Joke of the Week

Off-topic discussions, musings and chat
volvojack
Posts: 1050
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Mon 04 Jun, 2018 10:23 am

I met an old pal of mine and he told me he was now an extremely successful Lion Tamer at Chipperfields. He said he used to be a School Teacher until he lost his nerve.

The Wife had a "Near Death" experience a couple of nights ago. She turned the T.V. over to Eastenders while i was watching live Football on there.

A Contauner ship from China carrying a Cargo of Yo -Yos has sunk in the Pacific Ocean. So far it has resurfaced 63 times
volvojack
Posts: 1050
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Wed 06 Jun, 2018 10:03 pm

Having a drink with my pal Paddy and i said did you know that Chrismas Day this year is on a Friday. Pat replied "Oh just hope it doesn't fall on the 13th"

He was telling me that he was worried about his Goldfish having Epilepsy. When i said i had never heard of that he said " Look" and he lifted it by its tail out of the bowl.
volvojack
Posts: 1050
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Thu 21 Jun, 2018 7:39 pm

Went to bed last night and instead of swallowing a bottle of Viagra i took a of Tippex, woke up this morning with a Huge Correction.
...................................................
Some Women are never Satisfied.... my Wife said "Do you realise that we have been Married now for 30 years, I think you should go to one of those Sex shops and get a Penis Enlarger, don't worry how much yoy spend" But she still went potty when i came home with this 18 year old Romanion Lass.
......................................................................................
Why is it ever time you have just a little too much too drink......Someone is sick down your shirt front, wee's in the Wardrobe and leaves something nasty on the Bedroom Carpet.
volvojack
Posts: 1050
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Mon 02 Jul, 2018 7:55 pm

Its nearly 9 am. Darling, how do you fancy Egg and Bacon, Fried Bread and Coffee for you Breakfast says his Wife. "Thanks Love but that Viagra Tablet seems to have blunted my appetite".
At Lunchtime she asks him again Hey love,I have some Fresh Muffins in the Fridge, how about a couple of them with Cheese and some Hot Soup He replies " Sorry Sweetheart but that Viagra has really Trashed my Appetite for Food" In the Evening she says Come on, how about a nice Juicy Steak with onions and Chips.then Apple Pie and Cream. "No Thanks Love for all those things, But it must be the Viagra as i don't fancy any food"
His Wife says "Well would you Please mind Letting me up, I am Starving"

volvojack
Posts: 1050
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Wed 04 Jul, 2018 1:51 pm

At a U.S.A. Training Base in Arizona a Recruit walks up to the Bar and says to the Young guy standing there looking rather faraway " Hi There i see that you are Training to be in the Air Cour. so how is it going ?" Te Other young man replies "Well Today was to be our first actual Descent by Parachute and though i was nervous it was only when the Green Light and came on and we were ordered to "Hook up on the Line " that I actually Froze. I could not move i was terrified.
Well after being shouted at and it making No difference The Sergeant in Charge . a Big Burly 6 Footer shouted "Airman you are holding up the Line, He held up a very large Fist and said "Do you see this ? If you do Not Jump I shall stick it Up your Ass again and again until you Do" The other :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: young Recruit says "Ooh and Did it make you Jump" The Airman says "Well....Just A Little at First"
volvojack
Posts: 1050
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Sun 29 Jul, 2018 2:00 pm

Renault amd Ford are working on a New Small Car for Women.
They are combining the Clio and the Taurus and calling it "The Clitaurus" it will come in Pink and the average Male Car Thief will not be able to find it , even if he is told where it is.......
volvojack
Posts: 1050
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Sun 29 Jul, 2018 2:34 pm

Paddy was unloading the Shopping from his Car into his House, he had left the ignition keys in and someone stole it, when the Police arrived they asked "Can you give us a description of the Thief " Better than that, said Paddy I got the Registration Number of the car.
volvojack
Posts: 1050
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Wed 15 Aug, 2018 11:41 am

A married women was having the inside of her house painted, when she got up in the morning she noticed a hand print on the door post. She shouted doownstairs to the painter. "Would you like to come up here a minute and see where my Husband put his hand last night"?
"If it's all the same to you missus i'll settle for a cup of tea"

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tilly
Posts: 1814
Joined: Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Wed 15 Aug, 2018 4:14 pm

A lady ventriloquist has just had a baby she put up banners saying its a Goy.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.
volvojack
Posts: 1050
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Wed 15 Aug, 2018 7:40 pm

On Woodhouse Moor. Bertrams Circus has Parked over the Weekend as the Female half of a Midget Couple as been rushed to Saint James Maternity Ward.
When a Reporter from the Y.E.P. asked the Husband had they any preference when the Baby was born. the Father to Be replied "We are not bothered as long as it can Fired from a Cannon"

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