Joke of the Week

Off-topic discussions, musings and chat
volvojack
Posts: 1231
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Sun 06 Jan, 2019 6:08 pm

Most people don't know that it was a Scotsman that invented Double Glazing. it seems he did not want his kids to hear the the Chimes when the Ice Cream Van came round.........
Talking of which a fellow knocked on our door and said he was from some Debt Collection Agency. He said You had Double Glazing put in Three years ago and so far you have not paid a penny, Why is that ?? I replied Well when the Firm installed it they said It would pay for its self.
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tilly
Posts: 1931
Joined: Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Mon 07 Jan, 2019 9:01 pm

The Governor at Armley goal had one of the prisoners in is office and told him he was getting early release.What have i done wrong he said. I was in Mc Donalds last week looking at the menu has anybody tried that chicken leg end dont fancy it myself.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.
volvojack
Posts: 1231
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week=========================

Postby volvojack » Tue 08 Jan, 2019 2:07 pm

Murphy asks the Bus driver "How much is the fare to Ballymuck" The driver says 60 pence. Murphy says " I have only got 50 pence so i will run alongside for a few stops" After about a mile he breathlessly asks the Driver "How much is it now ?" The Driver says 70 pence when Murphy asks how this can possibly be" The Driver says 'Cos this Bus
is going the other way
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My Mates and i have saved up a few quid and fancy going Elephant hunting so at the weekend we are going up to Newcastle and finding a Hen night
(We have it Haway the Lads)
volvojack
Posts: 1231
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Tue 08 Jan, 2019 5:58 pm

Liverpool Football Club (The Reds) Sponsor as been "Standard Chartered" since 2010 making it the longest sponsor in Football. But since last defeat by Wolverhampton Wanderers they have a New Sponsor "Knorrs" and will be known as (Laughing Stock)
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Another Liverpool Fan committed suicide in his car on the way home and when the Police brought his wife to identify the body she found he was wearing Fishnet Stockings, high heels, a low cut blouse and a Bra. She was devastated and told the Police " I can't believe he was like this. He went off dressed in his Liverpool outfit telling me he was going to the Midlands.
One of the Officers sat her down and says "Look love, there are a lot of people going to see your husbands body, the Coroner etc. and to save you and your family the embarrassment of showing he was still supporting Liverpool we have dressed him like this.

volvojack
Posts: 1231
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Sat 12 Jan, 2019 9:35 pm

I woke last night to find "The Grim Reaper" standing at the bottom of my bed. I beat him off with a Vacuum Cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death
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The night before that i woke to the sound of a women singing, I looked and at the bottom of my bed where was a shadowy figure of Gloria Gaynor "At First I was I was Afraid, I was Petrified"
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Once a month the Pope would come out of the Vatican dressed in clothes so people would not recognize him. As he walked past the Vatican steps he noticed two Beggars sitting side by side. One was holding out a Crucifix and the Tourists were dropping money in his bowl, the other one next to him was holding out a large "Star and David" and the people were just ignoring him and some were putting in money in the Catholic beggars bowl just out of spite. The Pope seeing this approaches the Jewish beggar and says "Look you are sitting in the Capital of a Catholic country, the Seat of the whole Catholic World holding out a Jewish Star. it it any wonder that the Beggar next to you has a bowl full of money."
The Beggar with the Star of David smirked and said " Abe would you believe it that that Smuck would try and teach the Goldstein Brothers anything about Marketing"
Last edited by volvojack on Sat 12 Jan, 2019 9:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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tilly
Posts: 1931
Joined: Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Sat 12 Jan, 2019 9:45 pm

I went for a job has a sales rep the manager gave me a laptop and said i want you to sell it to me.I put the laptop under my arm and walked out when i got home the phone was ringing it was the manager i had just seen.He said i want that laptop back i said two hundred pounds and its yours.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.
volvojack
Posts: 1231
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Mon 14 Jan, 2019 11:16 am

The Owner of the Odeon Cinema Group has passed away. A Memorial Service will be held next Wednesday at 2.30. 4.40.and 6.20 pm.
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Murphy's wife received a phone call to say her husband Paddy has been injured on a building site and she should go to the Hospital urgently. She arrived at the Infirmary and when she asked what had happened they told her he had been run over by a Steamroller When she then asked what Ward was he in The nurse said "Nine, Ten and Eleven,"
When she asks what are Paddy chances of a full recovery. The Doctor says "Well as it was a Tar Roller he could always get work doing "Al Jolson Impressions"
volvojack
Posts: 1231
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Tue 15 Jan, 2019 10:41 am

A man stood outside a Catholic Church reading the Confession Times as he has not been for many many years. When he goes and it is his turn he enters the Cubicle and is surprised to find it is Central Heated, Carpeted, there is Guinness on tap, a full selection of Brandies Spirits etc. and even Semi- phorno pics on the walls. When the Man sits down he says "Wow Father things have certainly changed since i last was here. The Priest says "Get Out because you are on my side "

volvojack
Posts: 1231
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Tue 15 Jan, 2019 8:05 pm

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the Jewish pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "Ill give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don t you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.


Specially for Leodian
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tilly
Posts: 1931
Joined: Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Thu 17 Jan, 2019 8:34 pm

I got home four hours late last night the wife said were have you been.I said playing poker with the lads she said you can pack your bags.I said so can you we dont own the house anymore.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.





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