Joke of the Week

Off-topic discussions, musings and chat
volvojack
Posts: 1186
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Fri 18 Jan, 2019 5:03 pm

Having been separated from our Lass i decided to take out an Advert in the Local Lonely Tarts Section.

1. Its important to have a nice clean slim women that cooks and cleans around the house
2. Its important to have a women who has a pleasant disposition
3.Its important to have a women around who you can trust and does not ever lie to you
4.very important that she is very good in bed and fulfils your ever sexual need, night or day.
5.Its vitally important that these Four women Never Ever Meet
...............................................................................
( Its also vitally important That i buy a New Laptop
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tilly
Posts: 1906
Joined: Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Sat 19 Jan, 2019 3:10 pm

Paddy goes to the doctors he has blood coming out of his ear and blisters on both his feet.The doctor asks him what happened paddy says i bought a tin of soup it said on the label pierce here and stand in boiling water.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.
volvojack
Posts: 1186
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Sat 19 Jan, 2019 8:12 pm

[quote="tilly"]Paddy goes to the doctors he has blood coming out of his ear and blisters on both his feet.The doctor asks him what happened paddy says i bought a tin of soup it said on the label pierce here and stand in boiling water.

Mick goes to the Hospital with badly blistered ears and when the nurse asks him how did you do it. Mick says " I was Ironing my Donkey Jacket for work when the Phone rang and in my hurry to answer it i put the Hot iron to my ear. " The Nurse then asked Yes but how did your other ear all burnt and blistered ?? Murphy replied " Well in my rush to get an Ambulance to come i kept hold of the Red Hot Iron"
volvojack
Posts: 1186
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Mon 21 Jan, 2019 7:08 pm

Paddy said to Murphy I am taking the family on Holiday next week and wonder what seats to book to be safe. Paddy said I thought that would be obvious, sit at the back. When Paddy asked why , Murphy replied "Have you ever heard of a plane reversing into a Mountain ??
..............................................................................s.....
Paddy goes into a Leeds builders merchants and asks to buy 18,000 house bricks as he is building a Barbecue. When the Salesman says "That's rather a lot for a Barbecue" Paddy replies "Ah yes but i live on the 16 th. floor of Gipton Gate Flats"
..............................................................
Murphy won First Prize in the "All Ireland Unusual Pet Competition" with his entry of a Tin of Salmon .

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tilly
Posts: 1906
Joined: Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Fri 25 Jan, 2019 10:07 pm

A woman goes to see a doctor for a check up,he says you have acute angina.She says thank you very much doctor.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.
volvojack
Posts: 1186
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Sat 26 Jan, 2019 4:21 pm

[quote="tilly"]A woman goes to see a doctor for a check up,he says you have acute angina.She says thank you very much doctor.

Doc Martin Shouts Next Patient and in comes a Lady with a few month old Baby. When he asks what is the problem the Lady says He just won't sleep at night. The Doctor says "I can see that he is seriously underweight Take off your Blouse he then squeezes her nipples between his fingers he massages her Breasts and then says That is the problem you just do not have enough natural milk so I suggest you come in to Surgery every other morning and i shall give your Breasts a thorough Massage if that is convenient for you. The Lady says "Certainly Doctor, that is very pleasant ,but i am not sure of what his Mother will say as i am his Aunt"
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volvojack
Posts: 1186
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Sat 26 Jan, 2019 5:13 pm

Does anyone have a manual for a Married women. mine is just giving off an awful screeching noise.
She said As you are going down town to the Sales could you buy me something Black and Lacy. I got her a Pair of Football Boots.
..................After she died i thought i could never look at another women but now after serving Ten years in Jail i think i can. (Pol. Incorrect)
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tilly
Posts: 1906
Joined: Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Sat 26 Jan, 2019 9:16 pm

I was given a shroud i said i would not been seen dead wearing that. :D
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.

volvojack
Posts: 1186
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Sun 27 Jan, 2019 5:04 pm

Scientist have discovered what reduces a married womens Sex Drive by approx. 90% It is called Wedding Cake..................
The Wife turned really ugly in our house last night... She got undressed and removed her Make Up.
........ She apologised for the Very first time today since we got married. She said she was sorry she Married me

She said i should get more in touch with my Feminine side so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no reason,
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volvojack
Posts: 1186
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Mon 28 Jan, 2019 2:10 pm

After 28 attempts the Wife finally passed her driving test so as it was the 1st. of Feb. i let her drive us home. She complained that i did not open the door to let her out even though i tried to explain i was too buy swimming to the surface.................. My Wife asked for some peace and quiet while she cooked the Sunday dinner, so i took the batteries out of the Smoke Alarm
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Got an E. mail from " Bored Beeston Housewife A Fit 32 Looking for Some Action" I have sent her my Ironing that should keep her busy

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