Joke of the Week

Off-topic discussions, musings and chat
volvojack
Posts: 1101
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Thu 22 Mar, 2018 11:42 am

There was a Fire broke out in a Block of Flats in Ballycumon Ireland and the Firemen thought they had rescued everyone suddenly as the Flames spread higher a women sppeared on the roof top carrying a Baby. The Fire Brigade spread out a catch net and implored the women to throw down the child but she would not.
Just then out of the Crowd stepped a Giant of a man "Woman my name is Murphy and I am the All Ireland Goalkeeper, Throw down the Baby and i promise i will catch it"
Finally the Mother throws down the Babe andas it swirls through the sky caught in the swrling wind the crowd Ooh and Aar nd Murphy crouches like a coiled spring. As the baby hurtles nearer and nearer caught again in the wind Murphy flexes his Giant Frame then leaps into the air catching the mite in his outstretched hand. The Crowd go wild, Cheering and applauding. Murphy then Bounces the Baby twice and Kicks it high into the Night Sky.
volvojack
Posts: 1101
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Sun 25 Mar, 2018 3:42 pm

God certainly had a sense of humour. He invented the most lovely tasting food....Bacon. Then banned his Chosen people from eating it
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Just remember if you never sin, Jesus has died for Nothing.
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When i was a kid i used to pray to God every night for a New Bike. When i realised he does not work that way i went out and nicked one, then prayed for him to forgive me.
volvojack
Posts: 1101
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Sun 25 Mar, 2018 4:49 pm

They say that each time you eat a piece of Chocolate you shorten your life by 2 minutes. According to that i reckon i was born in 1543.
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If you have to choose between a Diet and Chocolate, what do you choose first ? Dark, Milk or Nuts and Raisin .....................................................................................
The Human Body was clearly designed ty a Civil Engineer. Who else would design the waste disposal pipeline to run through a pefectly good recreational area.
volvojack
Posts: 1101
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Tue 27 Mar, 2018 8:01 pm

We were having some repairs to our front door and the Joiner said he needed a Hinge . As my car was in the Garage the Wife said she would nip up to our local D..I.Y. Store. Going in she asked for this and and while she was there she saw a Set of Gold Plated Bath and Sink Taps. she asked the Price and he said £2000.99p.Having said she would like them but could not aford them She then said how much is the Hinge and he said £3.99. He called out from the back "Do you want a Screw for the Hinge?" Our Lass said No but I would for the Taps"
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volvojack
Posts: 1101
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Mon 02 Apr, 2018 9:27 am

A Doctor takes over a New practice and every time he gets the chance he checks out what the list of what each Patient has to try and cut out unnecessary medicines, When Granmother Smith is next in the Surgery he says "Hello, I can't help noticing that among your list of repeat Prescriptions you have Birth Control Pills" to which she replys that are to help her sleep. The Doc. says "Birth Control Pills are no good for helping you Sleep at night " Granny says Ah !, Doctor. you don't understand. My 16 year oldGrandaughter lives with me and every Morning i grind one of these pills up and put it in her Orange juice and believe me That helps me sleep soundly every night.
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A Young Pilot is having his first solo flight and is briefed about all the safety precautions in case of an emergency.
Out in the Blue skys the Plane suddenly develops engine trouble and he is ordered to eject, he slides back the Canopy and leaaps out. He pulls on the Parachute cord but nothing happens, after trying a couple of times he then tugs on the Reserve 'Chute toggles but still nothing happens. Really panicking now he sees a man in Overalls and a Flat Cap coming up. "Do You know anything about Parachutes"..... The little man answers "No, Do you know anything about Gas Boilers"
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tilly
Posts: 1855
Joined: Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Mon 02 Apr, 2018 2:29 pm

A group of cavalry were out looking for a band of renegades there Indian scout is up ahead about two miles in front.When they reach him he is on the floor with his ear to the ground.He says three Apache ahead on horse back one with brown horse one with black and white horse one with brown and white horse.The commanding officer says how do you know that the scout says the b''''''s have just run me over.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.
dogduke
Posts: 1304
Joined: Thu 03 Jan, 2008 6:47 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby dogduke » Mon 02 Apr, 2018 8:25 pm

Guy goes into a bar and asks the barman for the Wi-fi password

The barman told him you have to buy a drink first.
O.k.says the guy give me a coke, he paid £3 and asked again for the password.
.The barman then said, you have to buy a drink first,no spaces and all lower case
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

90% of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.


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tilly
Posts: 1855
Joined: Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Tue 03 Apr, 2018 8:22 am

I know this thread has nothing to with Secret Leeds but if it has managed to cheer someone up if only for a moment then it has done its job.Life can be hard at times and a laugh does more good than harm i hope every one on our site is well,All the best to all our members Sid,
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.

volvojack
Posts: 1101
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Tue 03 Apr, 2018 1:49 pm

"When I was just a little Girl I asked my Mother what will I be, will I be Pretty, will I be Rich here's what she said to me".........Son I think it's about time we has a little Talk.
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Got Andrews to fit a Complete New Bathroom suite in and on the last day I was surprised to find the Tiling and Grouting was to be done by this good looking young Lass. I left her to it and later in the day I could hear her singing "It's a Heartache nothing but a heartache" I thought to myself "That's a Bonny Tyler"
volvojack
Posts: 1101
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Thu 05 Apr, 2018 5:54 pm

The Reading of Mr. Simpsons Will was ready and the Solicitor who had been appointed said You are all here today as
the late Mr.Simpson wished and if you are ready i shall begin. "To my lovely Daughter Sandra who has brought me such happiness and Joy i Leave my Mansion with all it's contents and the Lands that surround it. To my Son David , i leave the Factory and the Bank Acounts amounting to approx. £1 million. To my Chauffeur Brian who has been with me for over 20 years i bequeath my Fleet of Vehicles and finally to My Good for Nothing Lazy Brother Freddie who said that when this day came, that i would not mention his Name in the Reading of the Will.
Well, Freddie you were so wrong......... "Hello Freddie"

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