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Re: Joke of the Week

PostedCOLON Mon 15 Jan, 2018 7:52 pm
by volvojack
If you feeling Fat and Ugly just watch "International Darts" and that is sure to cheer you up.
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A Women rings her Garage and says there is something ratting about under the Bonnet of my new car. The Man replies "Don't worry i shall send a Mechanic out straight away. Is it possible to describe it, any marks etc". the Women say's All i can tell you it is round and marked with what looks like Lio, On arrival the Mechanic takes a look and say's "That is actually your Oil cap Madam".
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The Three Wise Men arrive at the Stable and on entering one of them who is exceptionally tall bangs his head on the Doorway frame and exclaims "Jesus Christ". Josephs says Mary write that down, it's such better sounding than Tobias Hogway.
........Did you know. Bra Fasteners are manufactured by the same Co, that make Bank Vaults..
Did you know. People who live in Newark do not often get involved with Anagrams.
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Pat and Mick break into a Bank at Night and after opening the first safe there is no cash, only a tainted tasting Yoghurt, they then break into the second one, again No Cash just a nicer tasting Yoghurt On opening the third safe there was still no cash ony a really sweet tasting Yoghurt. Mick says to Paddy "Are you sure this is a Bank you picked out for us ??. Paddy replies "Of course it is, just look at the Name printed on the Doors and Windows " County Sperm Bank of Tipperary"

Re: Joke of the Week

PostedCOLON Wed 17 Jan, 2018 9:12 pm
by volvojack
The Boss of Ryanair Michael O'Leary is in Oz. and has just signed a Multi MIllion Dollar deal to supply his Aircraft to fly Short Haul Flights around the Australian Coast.
At Perth Airport A Young Flight Check In Girl is valiantly trying to placate Two lines of Disgruntled Passengers who were just about to board a Quantas Super Air Liner to London had just been Cancelled /Delayed. As she has announced over her Microphone "It may take some time to sort you and your Luggage out but Please be patient and be assured we are doing our very best" Suddenly there is a pushing and a shoving through the lines of Travellers and a man slaps his Documents etc on the Desk and says "I must be on that next Plane out and i insist on travelling "First Class. She keeps her cool and says "Sir, Please take your Turn back in the line as i can assure you we are doing our best to get you and all of these people home." The Man goes Purple in the Face on hearing that and says that" Look Bitch are you an Idiot, Have you any Idea who I am?" she stays calm and Insists he get back in the line. This Time He again shouts " Have you any Idea at all who i am" Tired of this she now picks up the Microphone that covers every where in the Airport and speaks into it. This is Quantas Airline Gate 14, next Flight to London. I have a Male person who does not seem to know who he is, If anyone can help Please come here Immediately "
O'Leary on seeing all of the passengers around Laughing their heads off He furiously grabs his Passport, papers etc. and says "Well F..k You", She just smiles Sweetly and replies "Whatever you say Sir but you will still have to get back in Line and take your turn"

Re: Joke of the Week

PostedCOLON Thu 25 Jan, 2018 4:03 pm
by volvojack
Showing just who is Boss......
Down at the Pub on a Saturday lunchtime
as usual and after a few Pints I said i was going home. The Lads were saying "Stay and have another couple or so" When i replied that the Wife would not be Pleased as she likes to go to her Mothers on a Saturday afternoon. They Chorused "Chicken, are a Man or a Mouse ?" I staggered home about 4pm. The Wifes face was like Thunder, so I said "Before you start, I have stayed down't Pub with the lads and this is how it is going to be every Saturday from now on And if you don't like it then that's just too bad, you can get out and go see That ugly old Bag of a Witch, you call a Mother"
Well I remember hearing the Door slam and then i did not see her for the rest of that afternoon, or alday Sunday, not even Monday. by Tuesday the Swelling was just starting to subside and the Doctor said that though no facial bones are broken it is possible that i may not quite ever see properly out of one eye again.

Re: Joke of the Week

PostedCOLON Thu 08 Feb, 2018 10:18 pm
by volvojack
Voted the Best value for Money anyone wanting a Weekend Holiday in West Yorkshire. Top Accommodation, Sightseeing and being receiving a Cash Bonus on Top ( or bottom ) m
Itinerary as Follows....... Arrive Barnsley Friday Night, Stay the Weekend, then Monday arrive Elland Road , Leeds where you will be shown around what used to be called a Football ground

Re: Joke of the Week

PostedCOLON Tue 13 Feb, 2018 1:48 pm
by volvojack
The Owners of the new Luxury Cruise Liner " Concordia" which is to be Launched from Plymouth next week are taking No chances of Hitting anything. They are having 2 Captains "Paul Pogba" and "Andy Carroll"
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The Wife has been missing for nearly a week now and today two Policemen came and said "We think you should prepare yourself for the worst." I fought back the Tears, bit my Lip and went down to the Charity Shop to get all her clothes back.
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Three weeks into my new job delivering for the Brewery . Rang the side door of a Gay Bar with Two C
rates of Bottled Beer and the Man who answered said "Hello, would you mind taking it up the Back Passage Please". I thought not Bl..dy likely, and me just on the Minimum Wage.
.......................................................Arguing with the 14 year old Daughter "Don't think you are going out like that Thick Make up, Fake Tan and that Slutty short skirt.....It makes you look ridiculous Father"
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Re: Joke of the Week

PostedCOLON Tue 13 Feb, 2018 8:15 pm
by tilly
A teacher was giving a lesson about aviation history she asks the class who was Allcock and Brown. A boy stands up at the back of the class and says Sammy Davis Junior.

Re: Joke of the Week

PostedCOLON Wed 14 Feb, 2018 9:07 pm
by volvojack
Next time you see a man doing a Crossword, lean over his shoulder and say "7 up is Lemonade"...........
Teacher says she will ask some general Knowledge questions "Who can tell me why Scuba Divers always leave the boat backwards when entering the Water " Paddy jnr. Says Yes Miss, it's because if they go forward they would still be in the boat.................................... Teacher asks "Can anyone tell me something that is White, has One only one Horn and you can get Milk from it." Paddy jnr. again Miss, Would that be the Coop Milk Van. .......

Re: Joke of the Week

PostedCOLON Fri 16 Feb, 2018 1:58 pm
by volvojack
Went to Elland Road the other Saturday just before Kick Off and said to the Gateman "Two Cheapies Please, I have only got a £50 note" He replied What do you want, Two Forwards or Two Defenders ?..
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The Police at Killingbeck Station have issued a warning concerning an extremely Cross Eyed Burglar operating in the Leeds 14 and 15 area. They say if you should see him Looking through your widow, Immediately inform your Next Door Neighbour.
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The Funeral was held today of one of Yorkshires most famous Men, Fred Gubbins who died had died peacefully at home aged 93. Fred was a Dance Teacher and one of his most Famous and Popular ones was the "Hokey Kokey." He should have really been buried a week ago but the problems began when his Family tried to Put his Left Leg In...

Re: Joke of the Week

PostedCOLON Thu 22 Feb, 2018 5:27 pm
by volvojack
Tilly,
Looking at those most excellent Pictures by Leodian of Leeds Bridge reminds me that many years ago a Car was driven from the Calls, down Pitfall Street and into the River. A man seeing this dived in and began to drag him from the car. The Car Driver said "Don't try and save me, My Wife and Children have left me, I have lost the House etc. I have nothing to live for" The Rescuer said "I am not trying to Save you, Just tell me where You Work" .......

Re: Joke of the Week

PostedCOLON Sun 25 Feb, 2018 11:16 am
by volvojack
Quasimodo went into his local Pub and said "A Double Whiskey Please" The Barman said Bells Alright ?.
Quasi replied " I would think so but anyway Today is my day off".
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I had some trouble in Cardiff last Week with the "Taffia"(That's the Welsh Arm of the MafFia) They made me an offer i could not understand.
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Paddy sat with Mick in the Pub and says "You know it's wonderful how the Lord works," Mick says How do you mean ?. Paddy says "Well i read the Obituaries every day in the paper and it's amazing how God lets People die in Alphabetical order".
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Some Scruffy kids hanging round the Spa shop said "Mister will you get us 10 Richmond please, we have got the Money." I thought Well i was a Kid once, so took the the money, Funny enough the Sausages, Beef or Pork are packed in 8s. The little Ba.....ds kicked my car and let a tyre down,