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Re: Joke of the Week

Posted: Sat 11 Nov, 2017 6:23 pm
by tilly
I bought some security lights made in ireland they only come on during the daytime.

Re: Joke of the Week

Posted: Mon 13 Nov, 2017 5:45 pm
by volvojack
A Boots Chemist was burgled over the weekend and looted except for Brylcreem and Condoms. Police are looking for a Bald headed Catholic.
On Holiday in Kracov. Poland and looking for a souvenir we were surprised to see in a shop window that all the compasses that were for sale had the needle pointing to England.
American Tourists were visiting the British Museum and saw the Skeleton of a Giant Dinosaur. As one of the Staff Paddy walked past one of the Yanks asked " Hey Buddy , do you have any idea just how old this Creature was?" Paddy said No problem Sir, It is Three Thousand years and Six months exactly . The Americans are really impressed and ask " How can you be so Certain " Paddy says Well I have been here for Six months and it was Three Thousand Years old when I came here "

Re: Joke of the Week

Posted: Wed 15 Nov, 2017 5:25 pm
by volvojack
Just Thinking
Lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.

If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat..
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And they tell us to exercise? I don't think so.

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
1.. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older than it was to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the Lampost.
9. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter .. . . I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
20. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.
21. Have I sent this message to you before...or did I get it from you?

Re: Joke of the Week

Posted: Wed 15 Nov, 2017 8:35 pm
by tilly
A lorry driver is driving down the road when he sees a nice looking girl hitch hiking so he stops and gives her a lift.He gets chatting to her and asks what do you do for a living she says im a witch i dont believe you he say so she puts her hand on his knee and he turns into a lay by.

Re: Joke of the Week

Posted: Fri 17 Nov, 2017 5:23 pm
by volvojack
An elderly Italian man entered a Church in Rome and asked the Priest if he would hear his confession, The Priest slid back the panel and said Go ahead my Son. The man told him"Father this is something i have carried around with me for 50 years or more feeling guilty During the War a young Jewish girl came to my house and begged me to hide her from the Nazis, so i hid her in the Attic and after some time when i used to take her food up there she began to repay me with Sexual favours" The Priest says That was a extremely Brave thing you did and you have no need to feel guilty or to confess. The Italian man said "But sometimes we did it every night and twice on a Sunday, she was ever so grateful" The priest says But this was a long, long time ago, you were both in great danger and to succumb to temptations of the flesh is understandable. However if you are truly sorry for your actions then you are indeed forgiven, Go in Peace my Son. " The Italian says "Thank you Father, that is a load off of my mind, Just one more thing to ask you," And what is that? asks the Priest....... "Should i now tell her that the War is over"

Re: Joke of the Week

Posted: Sat 18 Nov, 2017 11:01 pm
by volvojack
I was sat having a coffee outside of a flash restaurant when this most beautiful white Rolls Royce swung in just nearby and out stepped this elegantly dressed young West Indian lad. as mine was the only table with somewhere to sit he plonked himself down. When i complimented on his choice of Motor and that he must be doing very well for himself. He told me that he had only been in the U.K. 12 months and had arrived with only Twenty Five Pounds. When i remarked how amazing that was he said "Yes but the Twenty Five Pounds was of the very highest grade and worth approx £200,000

Re: Joke of the Week

Posted: Tue 21 Nov, 2017 9:53 pm
by volvojack
Things Watching Films Have Taught Us

1) All Bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have large red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off.

2) Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do.

3) All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower.

4) Most lap top computers are powerful enough to override a bank security system or the communication system of an invading alien civilization.

5) Every single person in Martial Arts Films has a Black belt in karate.

6) When staying in a Haunted house A young women on her own should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

7) 1 man shooting at 20 men has more chance of hitting them than 20 men shooting at 1 man if he is the hero.

8) During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.

9) Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by single people with a low wage.

10) The entire British population lives in London.

11) It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight; your enemies will attack you one at a time while the others dance around you menacingly.

12) In musicals everyone you meet in the street will know all the words to the songs and the steps to the dances.

13) When captured by an evil international terrorist, guns are not necessary to defeat them, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

Re: Joke of the Week

Posted: Wed 22 Nov, 2017 11:02 am
by chemimike
As a chemist I have noticed, to my surprise, that all science laboratories have brightly coloured liquids bubbling away. i must have been unfortunate, as most of my reactions, apart from on ethat shot ut and coloured the ceiling bright orange, were blacky brown messes.Also many seem to still use glass retorts, which must be difficult if they are broken, as I am not sure if any chemical supplier now has them in their catalogue

Re: Joke of the Week

Posted: Wed 22 Nov, 2017 3:19 pm
by tilly
On about films Jack Every revolver shoots about twenty rounds. Cowboys can kill a man with a hand gun at one hundred yards .All cannon balls explode.

Re: Joke of the Week

Posted: Thu 23 Nov, 2017 8:58 pm
by volvojack
A Variety Agent on Holiday in Ireland called into a Club for a drink and was amazed to see this man on the stage eating anything the Audience gave him, Light Bulbs,Battery's etc. He asked the Barman who he was and was told that's "Paddy who eats anything glass, bottles" When Paddy came off Stage the Agent quickly signed him up on a long Contract and told him "You will be a Sensation over in England". Back in Britain his Act filled the Theatres where ever he appeared. The Agent got the Idea of letting the Audiences see whatever he had eaten though a Large X.Ray Machine. Paddy got more and more daring and the Night he was to appear at the London Palladium in front of the Royal Family he decided he would swallow a 4 foot Neon Tube. The Crowd went wild after this but Sadly Tragedy struck. Paddy turned to the Royal Box and made a deep bow.