Joke of the Week

Off-topic discussions, musings and chat
volvojack
PostsCOLON 769
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Sat 14 Oct, 2017 9:36 am

While i was on Holiday in Thailand i developed a rash in a very private place and thought it was better to have it checked out. The Thai Doctor was a pretty petite little thing and she told me to undress and lay on the bed. She then proceeded to examine my "Bits" quite thoroughly and then said "Just relax Mr.Daly, it's quite normal to get an erection during this sort of examination " I said, But Doctor i 've not got an erection, She replied "No, but I have"
warringtonrhino
PostsCOLON 288
JoinedCOLON Sat 18 Feb, 2012 2:31 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby warringtonrhino » Sun 15 Oct, 2017 9:06 am

Senility is n't when you forget to zip up your flies, senility is when you forget to unzip them.
volvojack
PostsCOLON 769
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Sun 15 Oct, 2017 9:53 am

I have a Step Ladder, I never knew my Real Ladder.
.............................................................
Five out of Six people think that Russian Roulette is safe.
..................................................................
Rang the Agency and asked them to send over a cleaner as the Wife had been away at her Mothers for 2 weeks. The sent an East European girl over and t took her 5 hours to clean the House. When i rang up and asked them why they said "She was a Slovak"
warringtonrhino
PostsCOLON 288
JoinedCOLON Sat 18 Feb, 2012 2:31 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby warringtonrhino » Mon 16 Oct, 2017 5:27 pm

if your parents didn't have children, chances are you won't either.

volvojack
PostsCOLON 769
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Mon 16 Oct, 2017 5:30 pm

Pat and Mick were standing at the bus stop when a truck passed by loaded with rolls of turf. Paddy said "When i win the Lottery that what i am going to do". Mick said, What's that then Pat ? Paddy replied "Sending my lawn away to be cut"
.......................................................................................................................................
Just a bit worried about the Wife getting involved with Drug dealing, last night i was a bit late going out to play darts, the phone rang and a man's voice whispered "Is the Dope still there ?".
...............................................................
Someone suggested that i join Neighbourhood Watch Night but that it could be quite dangerous. They were not wrong, after just over a week i suffered a broken leg and fractured my arm plus ruined an expensive pair of Binoculars when i fell out of the young ladies tree next door at 1.30 in the morning
.................................................
Dyslexic Yorkshireman walked into a Gents Outfitters and asked if he could try on a Cat Flap
dogduke
PostsCOLON 1257
JoinedCOLON Thu 03 Jan, 2008 6:47 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby dogduke » Mon 16 Oct, 2017 7:20 pm

What goes- clip clop clip clop bang,clip clop clip clop ?

An Amish drive by shooting
.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

90% of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.


User avatar
tilly
PostsCOLON 1687
JoinedCOLON Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Mon 16 Oct, 2017 9:23 pm

Welcome on stage warringtonrhino and dogduke Whats got seven eyes and cant see,three blind mice and half a sheeps head. A reporter hears that a jew has been praying at the wailing wall for forty years so he goes to interview him.What do you ask for when you pray he asks him,he reply's peace in the world has it done any good asks the reporter No says the jew its like talking to a wall.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.
User avatar
tilly
PostsCOLON 1687
JoinedCOLON Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Mon 16 Oct, 2017 10:02 pm

A man gets a job on the trams in America has a conductor after a few week he spots an old man running for the tram and he has a mad urge to press the bell the old man falls under the tram and is killed.So the conductor is charged with murder and is sentenced to the electric chair.On the last morning they ask him what he would like for his last meal he says two slices of brown bread and a banana he eats it and is taken to the electric chair the switch is pulled but nothing happens so they try two more times with the same result.He is given a pardon they say its a act of god.He gets another job has a conductor after a few weeks he sees an old man trying to climb on the step and rings the bell the old man falls backwards bangs his head and dies.He is again sentenced to the electric chair.On the last morning they ask him what he would like for his last meal he says two slices of bread and a banana he eats it and is taken to the electric chair they pull the switch and nothing happens they try two more times and still nothing happens so again he is given a pardon.The governor comes to see him and says in the history of the electric it has never failed in your case it failed twice is it because you ate the brown bread and banana that stopped it from working.No he says its because im a bad conductor.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.

warringtonrhino
PostsCOLON 288
JoinedCOLON Sat 18 Feb, 2012 2:31 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby warringtonrhino » Tue 17 Oct, 2017 12:46 pm

A new car wash has just opened so close to where I live, I'll be able to walk there.
volvojack
PostsCOLON 769
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Tue 17 Oct, 2017 4:59 pm

A Judge was summing up in a very difficult case when he suddenly looked at the Defendant and said "Your face looks familiar, haven't i seen you somewhere before "? The man in the dock says Yes your Honour, i gave your Son Violin lessons for quite a long time The Judge says "Guilty, 10 years in Prison, Take him down"
................................................
The Undertaker rings And says "Your Wife has requested that we speak to you regarding your Mother In Law's funeral arrangements, would you prefer to have her Buried or Cremated "? The man replies Better play it safe, please Cremate her and then Bury the Ashes.

Return to





Who is online

Users browsing this forum: 3 and 0 guests