Joke of the Week

Off-topic discussions, musings and chat
volvojack
PostsCOLON 858
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Sat 09 Dec, 2017 7:50 pm

It said on the Local Radio this Morning that anyone venturing out in Icy conditions should not travel without taking at the very least A shovel, blanket, thermal clothing inc. gloves, hat. Thermos flask with hot drink and maybe some food. De-icer, Rock salt Torch and a Spare battery. Petrol can, first aid kit and Jump leads.
When I did get travelling I felt such a Pillock on the Bus.
volvojack
PostsCOLON 858
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Sat 16 Dec, 2017 3:25 pm

My Grandad was telling me how times have changed , he said when he was a Teenager all the people he knew could leave their doors open all day and nothing ever got stolen. I said "That's because you were in Armley Jail Grandad at that time"
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Paddy the Foreman at the Belfast shipyard was teaching a new lot of apprentices and he said to the first one "You see this Rivet, now when I nod my head you hit it hard and straight with the Mallet"
He is now in Hospital recovering from a fractured scull.
volvojack
PostsCOLON 858
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Sat 16 Dec, 2017 3:53 pm

Lawyers for Compensation" have secured what could be a real bonus. now that is has been confirmed that the human remains found buried under a Leicester car park are of King Richard they are now working on behalf of Ann Bolyn, Joan of Ark,The Princes in the Tower, Jimmy Savile, Mother Shipton and Joan Collins all of which claim that Humpy Dick groped them many years ago
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Finally a warning to be very careful if you are going on Holiday over Christmas to remember that although Oral Sex is strictly banned in Iceland do still be on your guard in Aldi.
volvojack
PostsCOLON 858
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Mon 18 Dec, 2017 2:54 pm

In the New Year my Wife and I will be starting our Annual Diet. Last year she began a Banana and Coconut diet for 3 months. She did not lose any weight but certainly could climb Trees. I also went on a diet, mine was A Bottle of Whiskey a day for 3 Months, I Lost 3 days in 3 Weeks
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My asked my Wife where do you want to go for our for our Anniversary ? she replied "Somewhere I not been for a long", I suggested the Kitchen and that's when the trouble started.
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tilly
PostsCOLON 1727
JoinedCOLON Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Tue 19 Dec, 2017 8:14 pm

Two fly's on a bald mans head one says to the other when i was a kid this was only a footpath.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.
volvojack
PostsCOLON 858
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Wed 20 Dec, 2017 3:40 pm

At the Police Headquarters there is News that a new type of Lie Detector to be issued, this will be a mobile Robot and if the person being questioned is not truthful this mini device will automatically sense it and Slap the offender.
When the Robot is due for delivery The Chief Inspector says he will collect it on his way home. The evening over dinner he decides to try it out. Putting it on the table he says to his son You were late home from School Johnny and his son replies Yes Dad, i was doing Extra homework, The Robot glides across the table and slaps him full in the face. Sorry Dad i was round at Brian's watching a video. O.k. son and what were you watching. His lad answers "Toy Story" The Robot again slaps him across his face. Sorry again we were watching Porn. Dad says "I am disappointed in you, I thought i had brought you up differently, Johnny it's no use telling lies, Why at you age i did even know what Porn was. The Robot swiftly crossed the table and slapped the Father really hard twice.
Mother was watching all this laughed out and said "Well well he really is your Son."
The Robot then Slapped the Mother.

The following day the Chief Inspector said to his Senior Officers "Mmm did not get time to have a look at it but anyway keep it elsewhere in the Building as i am to busy with other things.
dogduke
PostsCOLON 1264
JoinedCOLON Thu 03 Jan, 2008 6:47 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby dogduke » Wed 20 Dec, 2017 7:32 pm

The striker for our local football team
was nicknamed Jigsaw
He used to go to pieces in the box
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

90% of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.


volvojack
PostsCOLON 858
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Thu 21 Dec, 2017 2:26 pm

Dear Agony Aunt Jo. c/o Yorks. Evening Post.
Yesterday morning i had just dropped the children of at School and was going into Town to do some last minute Christmas Shopping. suddenly, on a deserted stretch of road my Ford Focus car stopped and though i tried to start it again i had no luck. I looked for my mobile phone but could not find it anywhere. There was nothing else for me to do but walk home. about 30 mins later i arrived and wa surprised to see my Husbands car on the Drive. I let my self in and went up stairs my muddy shoes in hand. Opening the bedroom room i was shocked to see my Husband with no trousers on straddled across our 16 year old baby sitter Maria.
I am absolutely confused and devastated as what to do.
Advice would be welcome, urgently, Valerie.
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Dear Dear Valerie,
I get many, many of this sort of requests for advice, It is extremely important that you act firmly and promptly,
In this case the first thing i would do is
Check the Battery Terminals are fully tightened and clean of dirt, then make sure the spark plugs are all pushed in tight, of course it could be just that you have let the Fuel get really low in the petrol tank as this Ford Focus has a reputation for having the Fuel pump drag up sediment from the tank and I do believe this could be your greatest and most important problem in the future.
Good Luck and hope this as been of some Help,
Agony Aunt Jo.

volvojack
PostsCOLON 858
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Sat 23 Dec, 2017 4:55 pm

I have changed the sound of my car horn to gun shot sounds and now i find when driving round i find
that driving around some parts of Leeds folks get out of my way much quicker.
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I thought i would give the Gym a miss today..... well after all i have not been for five years..
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If God had wanted me to touch my toes he would have put them on my knees.
volvojack
PostsCOLON 858
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Tue 26 Dec, 2017 2:04 pm

Little Boy sends a letter to Father Christmas, "Dear Santa, please send me a Baby Brother for Christmas 'cos Mummy and I are live all alone". Love Brian. ..... "Dear Brian, cant promise one in time for this Christmas but just send me your Mother.....Santa"
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I would not say that i grew up in a really rough neighbourhood but we used to steal the Hub caps off whilst the car was still moving.

And the Local Restaurants Menu Speciality was "Broken Leg of Lamb"

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