Joke of the Week

Off-topic discussions, musings and chat
jma
PostsCOLON 165
JoinedCOLON Fri 05 Aug, 2016 3:38 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby jma » Wed 16 Aug, 2017 7:20 pm

Just to show I'm reading and paying attention, I thought "This is Your Life" starred Eammon Andrews (or is there an Eammon Holmes joke here that has gone over my head?)
volvojack
PostsCOLON 777
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Wed 16 Aug, 2017 7:22 pm

volvojack wroteColonAt the Funeral of her 90 year old Husband the Widow confided to her friend that he had passed away while they were having sex. Her pal said "Well, although it is sad you do know that having sex at your ages was always dangerous" The widow replied usually we were o.k. as we only ever made love on a Sunday morning to the rythm of the Church bells opposite at 9a.m. Sadly that morning the Mr. Whippy ice cream Van turnedup.
....................................................................
Our Baird 12 inch Telly we bought from Vallance and Davidsons in the Headrow is on it's last legs, I am hoping it holds out as we are going to watch Eamon Andrews with "This is Your Life" and on Saturday night it's the Eurovision Song Contest and this year our entry is "Sing Little Birdie" by Pearl Carr and Teddy Johnson i think has a good chance...... T.T.F.N.
volvojack
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JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Sun 20 Aug, 2017 12:18 pm

The Irish Lottery have promised a guaranteed a weekly Jackpot of 3 Million. That's £3, a week for a Million weeks.

Grandad Daly came round all excited and said "I hve been to see a Fortune Teller and she says that Tomorrow i am going to come into a lot of money, so get ready i am taking you all out for a meal and drinks all on me"
He was rght as the following day he was hit by a Security Van.

Mick and Paddy were two burglars and when they were caught they were sent to Prison together. Once they were locked up they soon worked out a code of communication by tapping on the pipes. This worked quite well until they were later put into separate Cells.

Murphy looked over the fence and saw Farmer Paddy in his field driving a Steamroller, he asked "Paddy,why are you ploughing your field with a Steamroller instead of a Plough." Paddy replied, 'Cos this year I am growing Mashed potatoes.
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volvojack
PostsCOLON 777
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Sun 20 Aug, 2017 12:41 pm

jma"]Just to show I'm reading and paying attention, I thought "This is Your Life" starred Eammon Andrews (or is there an Eammon Holmes joke here that has gone over my head?.

Oops, It' obvious i am not long here befor the men in White Coats come for me. Of course it should have been E.Andrews, the other Eamon was in Nappies. Also Michael Aspel did the Show for a short while later.

That's why we Beeston folks slept soundly in our beds with Officers like yourself on our Patch back then. Cheers

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tilly
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JoinedCOLON Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Sun 20 Aug, 2017 7:06 pm

A man goes into a restaurant and asks for steak and kiddly pie, the waiter says dont you mean steak and kidney pie sir.The man reply's i said kiddly diddli .
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.
volvojack
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JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Mon 21 Aug, 2017 6:55 pm

Mr. and Mrs. Paddy went into their local Doctors and when he asked what he could do for them Paddy said "We would loike sum of dem birth control pill please even though we are Catholics" The Doctor says You do surprise me, you have already got Nine so one more should not bother you i would have thought. Mrs. Paddy replies "Ah well dats the Problem, we have read dat One in every Ten babies born in Ireland is Asian and at our age we think we too are old to learn another lanuage"
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tilly
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JoinedCOLON Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Mon 21 Aug, 2017 7:43 pm

A man goes into a pet shop and asks for a budgie that talks the pet shop owner says this one never stops talking so he buys it with a cage.He takes it home and two days later he returns and says this budgie has not said a word the pet shop owner says it used to sit on its swing and talk away.What swing says the man the one it had in its cage in the shop, right i will buy a swing two days later he is back. It still has not said a word, the pet shop owner says it used to swing on the swing and look in the mirror and talk away. What mirror says the man the one it had in its cage in the shop right i will buy a mirror.two days later he is back the pet shop owner says has it still not spoken, yes it spoke just before it died what did it say asked the pet shop owner? It said dont you get any seed around here.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.
warringtonrhino
PostsCOLON 288
JoinedCOLON Sat 18 Feb, 2012 2:31 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby warringtonrhino » Mon 21 Aug, 2017 7:50 pm

why is the total eclipse big news in America?
In Warrington I go out at midnight every day, it is dark and I cannot see the sun.

volvojack
PostsCOLON 777
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Mon 21 Aug, 2017 8:32 pm

At the Irish Space Centre in County Ballypuddled the Irish Astronouts Pat and Mick are holding a News conference. "We are going nex week in our newly designed Rocketship sponsored by Guiness and the Harp lager brewerys and intend to reach the Sun by next Monday."
The News reporters all saying this is impossible, even the Americans won't even attempt to go farther than the Moon
Because their Rocketship would just burn up with the heat of the Sun.
Paddy stands up and says " Dats where we just are dat bit cleverer than the Yanks ' cos we intend to go up there at Night"
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tilly
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Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Tue 22 Aug, 2017 7:39 pm

Paddy is working in a wood yard when he falls and the saw chops his head off when they find him there not sure if its paddy,so they take his head to his house.His wife answers the door is this paddy they ask she says it looks like him but he was not has tall as that.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.

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