Joke of the Week

Off-topic discussions, musings and chat
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chemimike
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Re: Joke of the Week

Postby chemimike » Tue 22 Aug, 2017 11:28 pm

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
volvojack
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JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Wed 23 Aug, 2017 12:22 pm

A Female Snake Charmer met and married an Undertaker and one of their favourite Wedding presents was a set of Bathroom Towels embroidered "Hiss and Hearse"
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I saw my Afghan neighbour stood in his drive shaking a Large rug, he was still doing it ten minuted later so being a friendly type i called out "'Morning Ahmed, wont it start "
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I went to the Doctors and told him "Doc I think i am developing Parkinsons", He asked What makes you think that ?. I replied " I just cant
stop interviewing people and would you like a Parker pen "?
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Having a walk up on Malham Rocks and an old Shepherd came by, I was peering down at the steep drop below and i asked him " That looks dangerous, do people fall down there very often ?" He replied No.. Only Once. (Clever Yorkshire Bas...d)
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tilly
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JoinedCOLON Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Wed 23 Aug, 2017 2:34 pm

I went into Leeds the other day to buy a memory foam mattress i saw one that said second half price .I looked all over it and could not find a fault so i bought it.It was only when i slept on it i found out it had Alzheimer's
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.
volvojack
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JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Thu 24 Aug, 2017 3:40 pm

If Burnley have paid Leeds United Fifteen Million pounds for Woody, I am thinking just how much would they pay for Buzz Lightyear

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tilly
PostsCOLON 1690
JoinedCOLON Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Thu 24 Aug, 2017 8:15 pm

A man goes to a boot sale and buys a painting and a violin he takes them to sotherbys to get them valued.The valuer says you have a Stradivarius and a Van Gogh unfortunately the painting was done by Stradivarius and the violin was made by Van Gogh.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.
volvojack
PostsCOLON 776
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Fri 25 Aug, 2017 8:47 am

I went to one of those meetings where single people go and sit opposite each other for a while and chat. I put my best bit of Clobber on and sat opposite this pretty girl. I said "Well what do you think of me at first sight " she said You look like Brad Pitt, I did not realise until later she was fond of using rhyming slang.
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Why does a bus always travel much faster whe you are tying to catch it than when you are sat on it?
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My girl friend is a bit frigid in bed and i was asking my pal for advice. he said "You want to get her one of those plastic things, they really turn all women on" So i took his advice and gave her my Credit Card.
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tilly
PostsCOLON 1690
JoinedCOLON Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Fri 25 Aug, 2017 4:53 pm

A man is sat in the club house when he is asked to make up a four for a round of golf.They tee off, on the forth green he is just about to take a put when a hearse goes past on the road next to the course he drops his putter and takes off his hat and lowers his head when it has passed he picks up his putter and takes the put.One of the men says that was very noble of you he replied i was married to her for forty years its the least i could do .
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.
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tilly
PostsCOLON 1690
JoinedCOLON Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Fri 25 Aug, 2017 8:54 pm

I went to a very posh restaurant in town i said to the waiter have you got frogs legs he said yes sir.I said can you hop over there and get me a menu.I ordered crab when it came it only had one claw i said to the waiter this crab has only one claw he said its been in a fight,I said bring me the winner.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.

volvojack
PostsCOLON 776
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Sat 26 Aug, 2017 8:51 am

Stood at the bar Mick said to Paddy, My Pal Finnegan came off of his motor bike last week . Mick said "I am sorry to hear that" Paddy says Yes he has two broken arms, brain damage and nearly blind in one eye.Mick sighed deeply and said "Well it's no bloody wonder he came off his bike."
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On Holiday in Spain i saw a sign which read "English Speaking Doctor here " I said to the Wife, What a shame we don't have them back in the U.K.
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Doris the 82 year old Magicians Assistants funeral was held this morning, we all stood around the Coffin and plunged Swords into it..... Well it is what she would have wanted.
Later we went to Brians funeral, he was an Ace Cannoist but drowned when his canoe overturned....... We placed a Lifebelt on top of the coffin....... Well it is what he would have wanted.
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tilly
PostsCOLON 1690
JoinedCOLON Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Sat 26 Aug, 2017 2:55 pm

I Jack page nine on this thread i wonder if we have any readers or just me and you telling each other jokes.?
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.

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