Joke of the Week

Off-topic discussions, musings and chat
volvojack
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JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Fri 11 Aug, 2017 2:57 pm

I love E. Bay..... I sold one of my Homing Pigeons eight times last month.
Not tonight, I whispered, I'm tired "It doesn't work like that in here " said my new Cell Mate.
After 100 years Irish Divers were amazed to find that the Swimming Pool of the Titanic was still full.
19 Irishmen are all jostling to get Cinema tickets together at the Box Office. The Girl says "Why so many of you ? Mick replies It says outside "Over 18 "
An Asian fellow has moved in next door last week and he was telling me that He has been all around the World, swum with Sharks, wrestled with Bears and climbed the highest Mountain. It came as no surprise to find out his name was Bindair Dundaht.

Question ... What's 40 feet Long, 30 feet Wide and smells strongly of Urine....... The First Three Rows at a Cliff Richard Concert
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tilly
PostsCOLON 1664
JoinedCOLON Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Sat 12 Aug, 2017 1:37 pm

A blind man was stood at a bus stop with his guide dog the dog lifts its leg and pees over his leg.He puts his hand in his pocket and brings out a mars bar a man stood next to him says your dog has just peed on your leg and you are going to give it a mars bar.The blind man says when i find out witch end he is eating im going to kick its backside. :lol:
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.
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tilly
PostsCOLON 1664
JoinedCOLON Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Sat 12 Aug, 2017 2:01 pm

My granddad told me that in the war he was a deck hand on a submarine .A diver is on the sea bed copper helmet heavy lead belt he gets a massage come up the ship is sinking .A soldier is in the trenches when he gets the order to advance in a panic he runs the other way a voice say stop he says sorry Sergeant i was in a panic i promise will not do it again sergeant, why do you keep calling me sergeant im a colonel wow said the soldier have i run that far.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.
volvojack
PostsCOLON 726
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Sat 12 Aug, 2017 5:40 pm

Young Jock writes home to his Mother " The people down here in London are very friendly. At 2am. when i am practicing my BagpipeS they bang on the walls."
My Mother said "Son I think it's about time you should know that just about everyone in our family is a Schizophrenic"
I said does Uncle Hitler know.
What Do you get if you cross an Elephant with a Rhino ??......... The sack from Whipsnade Zoo.
What you you call a Muslim at a Karaoke Seession .....Getupta Singh

volvojack
PostsCOLON 726
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Sun 13 Aug, 2017 11:53 am

I went to draw some money out of the cash machine and it said "Please present your card face up". While i was looking at the Moon somebody stole my card

The Wife took the car for it's M.o.T. and when she returned I said "Well" she said It needs one Headlight replacing, the Clutch is buggered plus one Wing needs repairing. I said " So that's a fail then" she replied Oh no it Passed O.K. I did all this on the way home.

The news that Prince Phiihp is to retire from Publuc duties is very good news for the Royal Corgies, now they know they won't be them blamed for peeing on the Palace settees.
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volvojack
PostsCOLON 726
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Mon 14 Aug, 2017 9:27 pm

This Doctor sad "You really should cut down on your Alcohol intake, just think of the damage to your Kidneys and your Liver" I replied Look Jeff why is it you always say that when it is your Round, just get the beers in.
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We were stood at the bar having a :? drink and watching the News on T.V. It said "Three cliff walkers fall to their death today in The Cairngorns" Paddy said I wonder what the chances of that happening are, Three men all with the same name dying all on the same day in the same place.
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At Dublin Airport the Pope who had been touring Ireland was asked What did he think of County Down.His Eminence replied " I don't think it has been the same since Carol Vordeman left."
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The Murphy brothere won all five Medals at the Olympic Synchronised Swimming events but were disqualified when it was discovered that they were Siamese Twins.
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volvojack
PostsCOLON 726
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Tue 15 Aug, 2017 4:16 pm

The weather down here in the West Conntry is terrible, last night i nipped out for a Pint of milk and the wind was so strong it blew me into the lacal Pub for 3 hours.
Paddy went into work and his Boss said You are late again, i supposed you missed the Bus again, when Paddy said Yes, his Boss said I told you to be there and catch the Bus before it. Paddy replied I did that Sor but it had another number on the front and took me to a different Town.
I have a Mate who is a Lion Tamer, he used to be a School teacher up Harehills until he lost his nerve.
Murphy won the All Ireland competition for "Most Unusual Pet" with his entry of a Tin of Salmon.
Paddy goes into B. and Q and asks for the best thing for cutting down trees, th Sealesman sells hin a chainsaw whilst saying This is the fiinest saw we sell and will certainly cut down at least six trees a day.
A few days later Paddy is back and tells the Saleman, This saw is useless, i only manged to cut down One tree all day. The Salesman is puzzled and looks it over, pulls the switch and it roars into life. Paddy covers his ears and says What's all that Noise ?.
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tilly
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JoinedCOLON Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Tue 15 Aug, 2017 7:58 pm

Paddy goes for a job in engineering the foreman says can you work with mic and vernier paddy says i can work with anybody. I have been band from B and Q I WAS IN the wood department and one of the staff said do you want decking so i thought i better get in first.A man goes into a pub and orders a pint of bitter when he gets it its flat so he goes back to the bar.This beer is flat the barman says what do you want for one pound fifty a pint thunder and lightning .
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.

volvojack
PostsCOLON 726
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Wed 16 Aug, 2017 4:54 pm

At the Funeral of her 90 year old Husband the Widow confided to her friend that he had passed away while they were having sex. Her pal said "Well, although it is sad you do know that having sex at your ages was always dangerous" The widow replied usually we were o.k. as we only ever made love on a Sunday morning to the rythm of the Church bells opposite at 9a.m. Sadly that morning the Mr. Whippy ice cream Van turnedup.
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Our Baird 12 inch Telly we bought from Vallance and Davidsons in the Headrow is on it's last legs, I am hoping it holds out as we are goig to watch Eamon Andrews. with "This is Your Life" and on Saturday night it's the Eurovision Song Contest and this year and our entry "Sing Little Birdie" by Pearl carr and Teddy Johnson i think has a good chance...... T.T.F.N.
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tilly
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Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Wed 16 Aug, 2017 7:16 pm

My wife said she did not like ITV so i sawed the legs off. My wife said when i die she will dance on my grave thats why im being buried at sea. Two cannibals meet in the jungle one says have you had anything good to eat lately the other said we have been getting monks who settled near our village but when we put them in the cooking pot and boil them for hours they are too tough to eat.What do they look like asks the other one, they are fat men with bald heads and a brown robes the other one says there fryers. :lol:
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.

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