Joke of the Week

Off-topic discussions, musings and chat
volvojack
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JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Sat 03 Mar, 2018 2:40 pm

When a Man gets out and opens the car door for his wife you can bet that either the car is new or the Wife is.
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Some Years ago Scotland's Jim Watts Light Weight Champion was to fight at 3.am.G.M.T. In Las Vegas. Harry Carpenter who was due to commentate on the Fight was concerned about the Jet Lag and asked Jim if he was worried about having to fight at 3 o clock on a Saturday morning Jim replied " Nae Bother Everybody in Glasgow fights at 3 am. on a Saturday morning".
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The Branch of Millets Army and Navy Store in Stratford on Avon have announced a Sale of all their Camping gear until the Spring. The sign reads "Now is The Winter Of Our Discount Tents"
dogduke
PostsCOLON 1279
JoinedCOLON Thu 03 Jan, 2008 6:47 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby dogduke » Thu 08 Mar, 2018 1:39 am

Not a joke as such but if you like a good laugh I can recommend - Still Game.
Starts tonight Thursday at 9.30pm on BBC1.
This is series 8,yes series 8.It is a Scottish production which started around 2002 and had a break for a few years.
I caught series 7 on BBC2 last year and was hooked.
Bought the box set series 1 to 6 and then series 7
The box set was the best 15 quid I have ever spent.

It set in a run down Glasgow housing scheme but be warned the language is a bit ripe,not the f word but it might not be everyones taste.
Good characters,script and acting.
Hope you like it.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

90% of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.


volvojack
PostsCOLON 976
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Fri 09 Mar, 2018 10:59 am

Police in Liverpool were following a car that kept to the 30 m.p.h. and pulled it over for a roadside check.
The driver was found to have a full clean licence with no penalty points, They were amazed to also find that the car was fully taxed, insured and 12 months M.O.T. it was not stolen and after a thorough search no drugs were found. The Driver was sober and there were no stolen goods on board. A Police spokesman said "We had no option than to Fine him £80 for wasting Police time"
iansmithofotley
PostsCOLON 372
JoinedCOLON Fri 28 Dec, 2007 4:10 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby iansmithofotley » Fri 09 Mar, 2018 12:27 pm

Hi Jack,

That joke reminds me of an incident that happened to my father, many years ago in the 1960's. He was a very keen Leeds United fan and the team were playing away at Liverpool. My father and his friends went in his car to the match. He parked the car in a street not too far from Anfield. As he got out of the car, a group of youths surrounded him and said 'Do you want your car looking after for a pound' (it was a long time ago). He asked "Why do I need my car looking after?". The reply was "If we don't look after your car for you, there will be no wheels on it when you come back". My father reluctantly gave them a pound and went to the match. After the game, he returned to his car and noticed that it was intact, but there were some other cars nearby with no wheels on.

Ian

volvojack
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JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Fri 09 Mar, 2018 2:10 pm

Hello There Ian,
That tale is so true and possibly is still the same these days. In the 60s United were a very good side and my Pal Steve and I used to go to virtually every game,home or away. The one instance i remember was parking our car close to one of the 'Pool grounds and being approached by a gang of little Scallys. "Watch yer Car Mister" my pal Steve was about to tell them where to go, when a Man walking by who was obviously local said Give 'em something or they will damage your Motor". so we did and as you say when we returned it was untouched. Guess it will be the same today as both Everton and Liverpool still get a full Stadium for every Home game.
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tilly
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Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Fri 09 Mar, 2018 9:57 pm

What do they call a Liverpudlian with a new car.A joy rider.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.
volvojack
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JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Sun 11 Mar, 2018 4:22 pm

Richard Branson was Ballooning over Ireland and were blown off course by the strong winds. He saw a Sheep Farmer down below and called out "Where are we,tell me where are we ?" The Paddy Farmer replied You can't fool me, You up Dere in Dat little Basket
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As they drifted over to England they encountered a Thick fog so Branson told his Mate to take the Balloon lower
And still could not find a Landmark so they took it down lower and finally his Partner said "We are over the centre of Liverpool " and when he was Richard asked him how he was so sure He replied "Because when i leaned over and shouted out Where are We some Bugger stole my Watch"
dogduke
PostsCOLON 1279
JoinedCOLON Thu 03 Jan, 2008 6:47 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby dogduke » Mon 12 Mar, 2018 2:08 pm

R.I.P. Sir Ken Dodd aged 90

The funniest man EVER
One of my favourite memories of him on TV was when he was singing in Italian fluently and then took a piece of paper from his pocket so he could sing the English words.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

90% of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.



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tilly
PostsCOLON 1787
JoinedCOLON Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Mon 12 Mar, 2018 2:55 pm

Hi dogduke i must agree with you a born comic i never had the chance to go see him.You could take the family to his show no swearing just clean fun and innuendos i liked the one, What a lovely day for sticking a cucumber through someones letter box and saying the martians have landed.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.
volvojack
PostsCOLON 976
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Mon 12 Mar, 2018 8:01 pm

I had the good fotune to see him on Stage at Batley Variety Club. He came on to do his act about 930.pm and was still there at nearly 1am.with the Audience roaring with Laughter and the Coach Drivers, Taxi Drivers stood at the back pulling their hair out.
He was famous for this, doing maybe twice the time on Stage , he just loved performing.

A fellow Comic was quoted today saying "Ken Dodds Funeral will will be held next Thursday at 9.30am and though Friday, Saturday and possibly until Sunday Afternoon."
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