Joke of the Week

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tilly
PostsCOLON 1707
JoinedCOLON Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Wed 01 Nov, 2017 9:13 pm

Spot on volvojack.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.
volvojack
PostsCOLON 810
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Wed 01 Nov, 2017 9:58 pm

My Pal told me he was depressed, he owed thousands of pounds and his wife and kids had left him. he said that he was contemplating suicide. I told him to stick by those who love you. Then i told him about someone i knew who owed £5,000 and so depressed that
He drove to the edge of a Cliff and vowed to end it all. The £5,000 was got together for him. My Mate asked "Was the money raised by those who loved him?" I told him No, It was raised by the Passengers on his Bus
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It was New Years Eve. and i had a great night Boozing and Dancing. Driving home i was stopped by a Police motor Bike and he helped me stagger from the car. He propped me against my car and said in his Radio. "Charlie, Whiskey, Tango" I thought to myself it's amazing what they know these days.
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The Wife was pulling clothes out of her wardrobe and said "I think i will take all these clothes of mine and donate them to the starving Women in Africa. I replied If there are Women in Africa who can fit into your clothes, they are definitaly not Starving.... And that's when the fire started.
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A Tourist in London see's a Policeman and asks where is the nearest toilet as i am really, really desperate. The Bobby replies Well there is not one around here but if you so desperate the go into that Garden over there and you can do what you like, take your time.
About 30 mins. later the Tourist is back and says Thank you so much, by the way what was that place. The Officer says"Oh just the Iranian Embassy"
warringtonrhino
PostsCOLON 288
JoinedCOLON Sat 18 Feb, 2012 2:31 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby warringtonrhino » Fri 03 Nov, 2017 11:37 am

Our local old peoples home have started giving the men Viagra every night.
It doesn't improve their sex life, but it stops them rolling out of bed.
volvojack
PostsCOLON 810
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Fri 03 Nov, 2017 12:55 pm

On a recent visit to my old home town of Leeds i was walking down Cookridge St. and stopped outside St. Anne's Cathedral where I was taken as a kid many years ago by my Auntie Annie whenever i stayed over at her House. As i stood outside thinkinking about all the many mistakes and bad things i had done over the years a Priest who was stood on the steps said "You look troubled my Son,perhaps you would like to step inside and maybe seek some peace for a while" I did so and after sitting there the tears were rolling down my cheeks. The Priest walked by and said "If you would like me to hear your confession just go into a box and i will be with you shortly, don't worry that it has been some time"
I decided to accept his offer and went into one side of the confessional. Wow, what a surprise, yeas ago it was just a small cold place where you knelt and spoke through a grill. This was central heated, plush cushions to kneel on and best of all, an array of Spirits and Wine on a rack. Cigars and a box of cigarettes. I was just helping myself to a large Scotch when the Priest opened the door and said angrily " Out of there, You are in the wrong side"

dogduke
PostsCOLON 1259
JoinedCOLON Thu 03 Jan, 2008 6:47 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby dogduke » Fri 03 Nov, 2017 1:54 pm

My brother told me he had to speak for me the other day.

This guy said I wasn't fit to sleep with pigs.
My brother told him I was
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

90% of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.


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tilly
PostsCOLON 1707
JoinedCOLON Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Fri 03 Nov, 2017 2:40 pm

Its nice to see we have more jokers in the group.Thats not a joke by the way .There was a knock on the door the other day a man was stood there he said he had not eaten for days.I said do you like cold rice pudding yes he said i said can you come back later ive just made it.I called into a pet shop the other day and said i would like to buy a wasp the owner said we dont sell wasps i said well theirs one in your window. The woman next door had her dog stolen during the night did you hear anything. she said i heard the sound of a chain.The police think this could be a lead .Whats the definition of a farmer a man outstanding in his own field. :D :D :D
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.
dogduke
PostsCOLON 1259
JoinedCOLON Thu 03 Jan, 2008 6:47 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby dogduke » Fri 03 Nov, 2017 5:25 pm

After the doorbell rang a man opened the door to find a vacuum cleaner sales rep on the step.
Man. I don't need one.
Rep. Everyone needs to keep the house clean
Man. I can't afford it
Rep. With our easy payments everyone can.
Man. Still don't want one

At his the rep tips a pringles tube containg dust,tab ends dog muck the lot over his hall carpet and says what the vacuum does not pick up he will eat.

The guy says,I hope you have a good appetite, they have just cut my electric off
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

90% of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.


warringtonrhino
PostsCOLON 288
JoinedCOLON Sat 18 Feb, 2012 2:31 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby warringtonrhino » Fri 03 Nov, 2017 7:58 pm

my old aunt is incontinent, but she managed to get a job as a dinner lady
She serves the carrots and pees.

volvojack
PostsCOLON 810
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Sat 04 Nov, 2017 10:18 am

Our Grandad easily gets confused and also is becoming incontinent so i bought him a mobile phone for emergencies. He phoned yesterday and said "Can you come and get me urgently", I said O.k. don''t worry i am on my way, Where are you Ringing from ?, He replied "From the Waist down"
volvojack
PostsCOLON 810
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Sat 04 Nov, 2017 10:36 am

Two Poles rowing up the Thames and are stopped by the River Police.When asked their business they say "We are here to invade England" the two Bobbies laugh and say What just the two of you ? The Poles reply, "Yes, the others are already here"
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A Polish Policeman sees a car breaking the Speed limit so pulls him over. When he asks the driver for his Licence he can't find it to the Policeman says " I notice you have German number plates so let me have some details. " Name, Gunther Muller, Age 26, Occupation". The German laughs and says "Oh No, Just here on Holiday.
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Going through the Olympic Village and a man carrying a long slim piece of wood is stopped by an Autograph hunter. "Are you a Pole Vaulter". The Athlete replies No I am German, but how did you know my name.....
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