Joke of the Week

[volvojack]

"More Looting in The County Of BallyMuck" .............
That well known villian Padddy O' hooligan broke into the Local Argos Store and loaded up hs Ford Transit before getting away,
Now he is looking for someone to buy 2,000 Catalogues.
....................................................................
Paddy went to the Doctors a and tells the Receptionist "I keep seeing Large Coloured Dots before my eyes" She asks Have you seen a Doctor ? Paddy says " No just Large Coloured Dots"
.................................................................

[tilly]

How do you confuse an Irish man put three shovels in a corner and ask him to take his pick.

[volvojack]

I remember when i gave Liam Gallager his first Guitar, He said "Wow this is Great but what's that Knob at the Front for " I said that's the Lead singer Noel.
............................................
Hey that Liverpool plce is tough, I had only been in Town an hour and i was looking out over the Mersey when i got a Message in a Bottle. Some Scally hit me with it and said "Stop looking at my Judy"
It was so cold there that the local lads had their hands in their own pockets.

[volvojack]

Quotes.....
If it was not for Pickpockets and been Frisked by Security at the Airport i would not have any Sex Life at all.
.............................................................................................................. I am glad i am Not Bi Sexual as I could not stand being rejected by a Man as well as a Women.
............................................................................... I Blame my Mother for a poor Sex Life. all she told me was "The Man gets on top with the Women underneath "...... For the first 3 Years after being married my Wife and I slept in Bunk Beds.
............................................I Think Testing on Animals is so Cruel, They always seem to nervous and give all the wrong answers............
Every time Eric Bristow sees me he asks me "Why do you put Superglue on my Darts?" I told him ....You just can't let it Go, can you.
................................................
I saw a Man Chatting up a Cheetah...I thought to myself "Looks like he's trying to pull a Fast One"

[volvojack]

The Wife and I have been arguing where to go for our Holidays . I want to go to Tenerife and She wants to come with me. .......................I have ofton wanted to drown my Sorows but the Wife can't swim and won't go near any water..............Looking back i realise it was our Son that kept our Marriage together. "Neither one of us wanted custody of him.
............................................Two Scottie Dogs , one Black and one White go into a Pub and order Two Large Whiskeys. The Barman says "Thats amazing, did you know there was Famous Scotch whiskey with the same name as you two" The Dogs reply " What, you mean Bill and Ben ?"

[volvojack]

ANSWERS FROM KID S BIBLE CLASS .......1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE GUINESSIS, GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF. 2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAHS WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AN ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS. 3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT. 4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS. 5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH. 6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES. 7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS. 8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS. 9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENT WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE. 10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY. 11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA . THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL. 12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM. 13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES. 14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES. 15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA. 16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER. 17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION. 18. ST. JOHN , THE BLACKSMITH, DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD. 19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE. 20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE. 21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS. 22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES. 23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW, WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN. 24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY. HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE. 25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY. 26. DAVID SLEW GOLIATH WITH THE ARSE BONE OF A GIRAFFE. SAINT HARRY RAMSDEN FED THREE THOUSAND PEOPLE WITH FIVE LOAVES AND TWO FISHES ........HERE ENDETH THE LESSON.

[iansmithofotley]

Hi Jack,

I can never remember jokes but I saw this on another forum and I thought that it would appeal to your sense of humour.

Ian



Irish love story.

Fergus wanted to purchase a gift for Molly, his new sweetheart .
They’d not been together for very long and he wanted to
surprise and impress her.
After careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike
the right note, not too romantic and not too personal. Accompanied by his
sister, he went to Handy Andy’s Store in Dublin and bought a dainty pair of white
gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same
time.
During the wrapping, the shop assistant mixed up the two items. The
sister got the gloves and Molly got the panties! Without checking the
contents, Fergus sealed the package (with a kiss) and sent it to his
sweetheart with the following note:



Dear Molly,
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing
any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for my sister, I
would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones
that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I
bought them from showed me the pair that she had been wearing for the past
three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart, even though they were a little tight on her. She also told me that her pair helps to keep her ring clean and
shiny; in fact, she had not needed to wash it since she had begun wearing
them. I wish I could be with you to help put them on for the first time. No doubt, many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow into them before putting them away: they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope that you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love,
Fergus

P.S. "The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
showing."

[volvojack]

[quote="iansmithofotley"]Hi Jack,

I can never remember jokes but I saw this on another forum and I thought that it would appeal to your sense of humour.

Ian



Irish love story.

Fergus wanted to purchase a gift for Molly, his new sweetheart .
They’d not been together for very long and he wanted to
surprise and impress her.
After careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike
the right note, not too romantic and not too personal. Accompanied by his
sister, he went to Handy Andy’s Store in Dublin and bought a dainty pair of white
gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same
time.
During the wrapping, the shop assistant mixed up the two items. The
sister got the gloves and Molly got the panties! Without checking the
contents, Fergus sealed the package (with a kiss) and sent it to his
sweetheart with the following note:



Dear Molly,
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing
any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for my sister, I
would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones
that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I
bought them from showed me the pair that she had been wearing for the past
three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart, even though they were a little tight on her. She also told me that her pair helps to keep her ring clean and
shiny; in fact, she had not needed to wash it since she had begun wearing
them. I wish I could be with you to help put them on for the first time. No doubt, many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow into them before putting them away: they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope that you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love,
Fergus

P.S. "The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
showing.
Cheers Ian, Yes Thanks, I did like the gag. I actually do like most jokes apart from really Filthy Stuf as that is when the Humour is absent.

[tilly]

My wife said she wanted a animal skin coat for her birthday so i bought her a donkey jacket.

[volvojack]

Sceintists after doing extensive tests have found that Beer contains a small amount of Female Hormones which can affect Men. They discovered that if a Man drinks 12 Pints of Beer he talks Gibberish and can't drive his Car.
...............................................................................................................
An Aussie Stockman calls into a Hotel and says " I'd like a Room for the Night, could you make sure it's got a good strong Bed" The Clerk noticing the confetti on his shoulders winks and says "Would Sir like a Bridal " The Aussie replys " No, Thats O.k. Mate, i'll just hold her by the ears 'till she gets used to it "