Joke of the Week

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tilly
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Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Thu 19 Oct, 2017 6:44 pm

Just a thought do you get height money if your working up a ladder down a well.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.
volvojack
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Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Thu 19 Oct, 2017 7:40 pm

Maybe it's my age but i do find some of the modern gags that seem to be considered hilarious extremely poor.
A prime example is that the joke considered the No. 1 at the Edinburgh Festival 2017 was....... Wait for it.

" I am not a fan of the new Pound coin, but there again i am not really in favour of change"

The Two Ronnies, Morecambe and Wise, Tommy Cooper, Les Dawson plus many, many more must be spinning in their Graves.
warringtonrhino
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Re: Joke of the Week

Postby warringtonrhino » Thu 19 Oct, 2017 9:28 pm

If you spin a Chinese man round and round, will he become disorientated?
Computers are like air conditioning, they work OK until you start opening Windows.
The remake of 'On the Buses', will be set in space and called Blakey's Seven

Sorry volvojack, The Two Ronnies, Morecambe and Wise, Tommy Cooper and Les Dawson. :lol:
volvojack
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Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Fri 20 Oct, 2017 8:03 am

[quote="warringtonrhino"]If you spin a Chinese man round and round, will he become disorientated?
Computers are like air conditioning, they work OK until you start opening Windows.
The remake of 'On the Buses', will be set in space and called Blakey's Seven

Sorry volvojack, The Two Ronnies, Morecambe and Wise, Tommy Cooper and Les Dawson.


That fine, just keep 'em coming.

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tilly
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Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Fri 20 Oct, 2017 7:10 pm

Someone asked the other day if i wanted a shroud i said i would not be seen dead wearing that.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.
volvojack
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JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Fri 20 Oct, 2017 9:01 pm

The Wife and I were walking through the Town Centre and came across one of those Special part time Policemen just getting his notebook out. I said "Come on Pal, how about giving a Senior Citizen a break" He ignored me and kept writing out the Parking Ticket. I called him a Nazi Turd and the wife went in a bit stronger and called him a #### He then wrote out a second Ticket for a worn tyre, By now quite a crowd had gathered and as he slapped a third ticket on the Windscreen i told him that this was the way Adolf Hitler began in Germany and he was a Fascist Ba.....d. By now he had got on his Radio and phoned for a Tow Truck.
He the pushed his Hat back a little bit farther on his head and smirked.
Personally we didn't care as we had come to Town on the Bus, I don't think either of us has driven a Car now for Ten years or more.
volvojack
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Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Mon 23 Oct, 2017 2:31 pm

I was walking at the back of the Leeds Arena and popped into a Snack Bar, I fancied something warming so ordered a bowl of Alphabet Soup. I had not had more than a couple of Spoonfulls, when in walked that fat Singer Meatloaf and Took the Words Right out of My Mouth.
....................
It was the Night before Christmas and I was feeling pretty good, the shopping was all done and the Presents all wrapped. There was a lovely smell of baking from the kitchen where the Missus was making the cake and preparing the Turkey. I was sat in front of a roaring fire with a large glass of Whiskey when the doorbell rang. I went and opened it, the wind was freezing. after a minute or so I pulled out a couple of coins and said "Try again next year " The Wife called out from the Kitchen " Who was that Love, late carol singers"? I replied " No Love your Mother"
volvojack
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Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Mon 23 Oct, 2017 8:13 pm

Shopping with our Lass in Marks and Sparks she picked out a dress in the Sale and said "Hang on a bit i'll just nip into the Changing Cubicle and try this on" After some time she was back and said "It was no good i simply could not get into it choose however much i tried" I told her Never mind Love, you probably would not have got into the Dress anyway.
That's when the fight started.
............................................ ...............
Paddy was working with a gang of Roadmenders when he was knocked down and run over by a Steamroller. His wife Mrs. Paddy was rushed down to the Hospital as his injuries were considered very serious. When she ran into the Infirmary and asked if she could see him and what Number Ward was he in. She
was told "He is in No. 9. 10. and 11."
'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
Murphy was knocked down in a road accident and as he was laid there in the Street the Paramedic said " Tell me your name and i'll tell your Mother". Murphy replied My Mother already knows my name.

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tilly
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Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Mon 23 Oct, 2017 9:20 pm

Paddy was told you should wear something light at night so he got a white suit white shirt white tie white shoes white socks and was run over and killed by a snow plough.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.
volvojack
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Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Tue 24 Oct, 2017 2:48 pm

Good Morning Tilly,
I think although quite a lot of gags don't quite sound as funny unless they are told with a slight bit of bad language or innuendo i, personally don't like the so called modern way that today's young comedians use the four letter words so readily.
I recall that in the 1960s one night in the "Ace Of Clubs" Nightspot on Woodhouse St. they had Bernard Manning topping the Bill. he was known for his risque brand of jokes and folks turned out to see and hear him. Half way through his act he was joking about the Royal Family and mentioned a certain female member "She has been Cocked more times than John Wayne''s Shotgun"
There was a mixed sort of reaction to this and the Owner of the Club Teddy Joyce cut his act short and the rest of the week there was another Comedian working.
Many years after my Brother and i went to see Bernard doing his act over Doncaster way, although it was only a Social Club and he was only doing a 90 minute Spot, he insisted to be paid before he worked,would only arrive and depart through the front door.
His act was by now much"Stronger" and one of the jokes he cracked was the same " Cocked more.....".
referring to a much more recent addition to the Royal house.
At the Bar before he left my Brother reminded him about the incident in Leeds so many years before.
Manning said " I believe i got paid about £5. a Performance back then, Now it's £200 minimum and the smuttier i get the more they love it.
With that he pulled his camel haired coat around his shoulders and swept out of the front door to his chauffeur driven Rolls Royce
Meanwhile that most filthiest of all Comedians Chubby Roy Brown is earning absolute fortunes just by telling the most obscene words possibly ever uttered on a public Stage.

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