Joke of the Week

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tilly
PostsCOLON 1614
JoinedCOLON Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Mon 24 Jul, 2017 7:05 pm

Paddy goes to the building supply's and asks for a thousand bricks the foreman asks what are you building .Paddy says im building a barbecue you dont need that many bricks says the foreman. I live on the twelfth floor of a block of flats says Paddy.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.
volvojack
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JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Fri 04 Aug, 2017 10:27 am

Two young Irish Nuns are sent to the U.S.A. and before they leave Mother Superior calls them in and says "To fit in wid dem Americans you will have to fall in wid dere ways and not make youselves out too Irish as everyone will make fun of you, God Bless". As they are flying to New York Airport one Sister reads "It says here that one of the Americans favourite foods are Burgers, what ever they are and Dogs" the other Nun says Ugh but i suppose we must try everything over there.
Shortly after arriving they are looking for something to eat and as they walk up a New York St. they see a Sreet Vendor with a sign "Delicious Hot Dogs" they look at each other and then ask for two. The man wraps each one in silve foil and hands them to them.
They sit in Central Park and the older Nun eagerly opens hers. Blushinig she turns to her companion and whispers in a soft Irish brouge "What part did you get"
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tilly
PostsCOLON 1614
JoinedCOLON Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Fri 04 Aug, 2017 1:41 pm

Paddy goes to the Scotland on holiday and goes on a guided tour whats that says paddy its a wee moose says the guide.Paddy says i would not like to see the size of the rats around here. :lol:
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.
volvojack
PostsCOLON 638
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Sat 05 Aug, 2017 10:43 am

How To Give A Cat A Pill.
...............................

1.Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2.Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3.Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4.Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5.Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6.Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7.Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8.Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9.Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10.Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11.Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink the beer you opened in Step 9. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12.Call the fire brigade to retrieve the f------ cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13.Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14.Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call in furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15.Arrange for neighbour and spouse to assist in placing loose hood over cat’s head in order to put cat in basket. Take cat to vet and watch while he expertly holds cat, pops pill in cat’s mouth, and cat swallows it. Pay vet bill of £233.86 including Sunday callout fee.


How To Give A Dog A Pill.
...............................

1.Wrap the pill in a piece of cheese.
Last edited by 1 on volvojack, edited 0 times in total.

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tilly
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JoinedCOLON Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Sat 05 Aug, 2017 10:02 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Last edited by 1 on tilly, edited 0 times in total.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.
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tilly
PostsCOLON 1614
JoinedCOLON Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Sat 05 Aug, 2017 10:02 pm

A man goes to see a blacksmith and sees his dog what a nice dog you have got.The blacksmith says that dog helps me in the forge, what does he do asks the man.Kick it up the backside and watch it make a bolt for that door . :lol:
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.
volvojack
PostsCOLON 638
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Mon 07 Aug, 2017 8:57 am

A man gets an invite to his Company Christmas Fancy Dress Party and so writes to a Local Company. Dear Sir I have an invite and as i have a bald head and a wooden leg please could you suggest an outfit for me. A few days late a parcel arrives with "Dear Sir, please find enclosed Pirates Outfit, the Three Corned hat will cover your head and your Wooden leg is perfect for a Buccaneer style".
Some days days later the Costume Co. receive the outfit back with a letter, Sir how dare you, this outfit will only draw attention to my wooden leg and make me a laughing stock. The Co. reply "Dear Sir, sincere apologies and am now enclosing a Monks habit which will hide your wooden leg and as most Monks etc. have shaven heads this should be fine.... Best Wishes.
The Company later have the outfit returned with a strong complaint " How dare you send this Cloak, this will emphasise my lack of hair, I am deeply offended "
The customer receives yet another letter. "Dear Sir, My Directors, Managers and co have sat and tried to resolve this problem of yours and think we have finally come up with a solution for you.............Plead find a Large tin of Treacle enclosed completely Free of charge, we suggest you pour this over your Bald head, stick your Wooden leg up your Anus and attend this evening as a Toffee Apple, Regards the Yorks. Fancy Dress Co.
User avatar
tilly
PostsCOLON 1614
JoinedCOLON Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Mon 07 Aug, 2017 1:05 pm

This bald man goes to a tattooist and asks for rabbits tattooed all over his head.The tattooist asks him why he wants rabbits all over his head .The man says because from a distance they look like hare's.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.

volvojack
PostsCOLON 638
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Mon 07 Aug, 2017 6:58 pm

[quote="tilly"]This bald man goes to a tattooist and asks for rabbits tattooed all over his head.The tattooist asks him why he wants rabbits all over his head .The man says because from a distance they look like hare's.



Hey up tilly, think it looks like there's only me an' thee wot likes jokes around here. I expected lots of gags from ' Leeds Loiners, Well ant road up, maybe later.
volvojack
PostsCOLON 638
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Mon 07 Aug, 2017 6:59 pm

volvojack wroteColon
tilly wroteColonThis bald man goes to a tattooist and asks for rabbits tattooed all over his head.The tattooist asks him why he wants rabbits all over his head .The man says because from a distance they look like hare's.



Hey up tilly, think it looks like there's only me an' thee wot likes jokes around here. I expected lots of gags from ' Leeds Loiners, Well any road up, maybe later.

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