Joke of the Week

Off-topic discussions, musings and chat
volvojack
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Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Wed 13 Sep, 2017 1:18 pm

Paddy was attending a Science nd Nature Seminar and was asked "If you were in a Vacuum and someone called your name would you be able to hear it ?" He thought for a while and then replied That could depend on whether it was switched on or not.
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Scientists in Dublin decided to an experiment with a well trained dog. First of all theyy amputated a leg and let the dog walk, then they cut of another leg and it still managed to walk, they the amputated a third leg and asked it to walk, Of course it could not. They deduced from this that by amputating a third leg makes a dog go deaf.
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Sunday Morning in Ballypuddled and in the village Church Father Up was reading out his sermon. at one point he said "And Jesus Christ died on the Cross for us" Paddy stood up and shouted furiously Well Thank you very very much, I was half way reading through that book.
volvojack
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JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Sat 16 Sep, 2017 11:08 am

A Heartwarming Story " Never Give Up On Your Dreams"
I was born in Brazil in 1959, My Father who was Scottish left Mum and me when i was three. when i was 18 i came second in the Miss Brazil Beauty Contest, then i decided to emigrate to London where my life took a downward spiral. Sadly i fell into a life of drugs and alcohol abuse and a series of eating disorders. whilst in Prison for some minor offences my cellmate and i did quite some crude tattoos with a 2 inch nail to our arms and legs. Then after a bad traffic accident i lost a leg and had to have some facial reconstruction. After an unprovoked acid attack on a London Street i lost most of my teeth. the stress of all this caused me to lose some hair and brought about facial warts. But i never stopped believing and finally my Dreams were realised. ...... Last Week.........
I was Crowned Miss Scotland 2005

Seem to be already reaping the rewards for my perseverance.........I have been Invited to a social function in a place called the "Tam O' Shanter, an up market Hostelry in Leeds West Yorkshire and also to attend a Banquet in a "The Scotsman, Kirkgate, which i am also looking forward to.
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tilly
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JoinedCOLON Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Sun 24 Sep, 2017 10:15 pm

A man rings the health department to complain about rats in his house .he tells them there are rats every were.The man at the end of the line says it cant be that bad so the house owner says come down and i will prove it.An hour later a van pulls up and a man knocks on the door im from the health department he says.Come in says the home owner he takes him into the lounge and tells him to sit on a chair the home owner then takes some bread and puts it in front of the fire place just keep quite he says after a short while a trout flops over and grabs a piece of bread.The man from the health department says did you see that the owner says im not bothered about the damp its the rats i rang about. :lol: :lol: :lol:
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.
volvojack
PostsCOLON 777
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Mon 25 Sep, 2017 6:16 pm

Talking at the Bar Paddy said to Mick, " I have really got lucky with my latest girl friend, she let me take her home and meet her twin and now a week or so later i am having sex with both of them " Mick asks is that not a bit tricky trying to tell them apart ?. Paddy replies " Not at all. the other one has a moustache and a beard."
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After moving house my Mantle clock stopped for a while and after winding it up a few times it just would only go "Tick, tick, tick". i was recomended to a litle watch and clock repair shop which owned by an old German. i explained my problem and after havng a look he asked me to take it into his back work room. To my surprise he tied it to a chair and shone a bright light on it, whilst saying "Ve haf ways of making you Tok". Later he called it Tommy and offered it a cigarette.
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Walking past the local Mental Hospital this morning and all i could hear was chanting "13, 13,13". intrigued by this when i saw a hole in the fence i put one eye to it. Some Bast..d poked me sharply through it and the chant went up "14,14,14."

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tilly
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JoinedCOLON Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Mon 25 Sep, 2017 9:03 pm

A bin man goes to a Chinese restaurant and says to the owner wheres your bin he says i bin to Hong Kong.The bin man says no wheres your wheelie bin he says i wheelie bin to Hong Kong.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.
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sparky415
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Re: Joke of the Week

Postby sparky415 » Tue 26 Sep, 2017 9:27 am

the old ones are the best...ha ha
Come on Leeds United!
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tilly
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Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Tue 26 Sep, 2017 7:28 pm

Hi sparky 415 All my jokes are old like me He.He.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.
volvojack
PostsCOLON 777
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Mon 02 Oct, 2017 9:11 pm

I had Lunch with the Russian World Champion Chess player last week, it took him two hours to pass the salt.
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On Holiday with the Family and after only two days the Mother in Law fell down a Wishing Well. I threw another 50p. down and thought to my self "Blimey these things really do work"
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Cold frosty morning and Husband gets text from his Wife, "Love, Windows frozen Darling, what can i do" Her Old man texts back "Pour warm water over, But not too hot x.x. " 10 minutes later he gets another text. " Now Computor won't even start at all"

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tilly
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JoinedCOLON Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Tue 03 Oct, 2017 7:49 pm

Tom brown is in the pub with his mates they get talking about the queen, he says she is a friend of mine no way they say i bet you one hundred pounds that she is says Tom i can prove it so they decide to go to London when they get to the palace Tom says wait there he walks up the drive when he gets to the door it opens and the queen comes out and shakes his hand.They come back home and pay him the money a few weeks later they are talking about the pope he is a friend of mine says Tom, no way they say you cant know the pope i will prove it i will bet you five hundred pounds.So they book a flight to Rome when they get to the Vatican Tom says just keep your eyes on that balcony so they stand there with hundreds of people.The door opens and out walks the pope with Tom Brown at is side a man stood next to them says who is that with Tom Brown. :lol: :lol: :lol:
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.
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tilly
PostsCOLON 1692
JoinedCOLON Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Thu 05 Oct, 2017 7:12 pm

This is how my mind works i was in the garden and i made a joke up.Paddy is in the canal a man says what are you doing in the canal, Paddy says i got some tablets from the doctor and it says on the box take three times a day in water.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.

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