Joke of the Week

Off-topic discussions, musings and chat
warringtonrhino
PostsCOLON 288
JoinedCOLON Sat 18 Feb, 2012 2:31 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby warringtonrhino » Sun 05 Nov, 2017 1:24 pm

A Christian - someone who is repentant on Sunday for what they did on Saturday and are going to do on Monday.

What do you call a beautiful woman on a train-spotters arm? A tattoo.

How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb- None it's a hardware problem.
volvojack
PostsCOLON 772
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Tue 07 Nov, 2017 2:48 pm

Contrary to what people think, It is not that difficult to tell a Crocodile from an Alligator. (Professor Bill Haley 1956) One says "See you later " and the other one says "In a while "
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I was in Dublin and saw a Caravan and a sign "Fortunes Told". I climbed in and gave the old women 20 euros.I sat down and she said and said Can't see you just yet but i can see Pine trees, Snow and a Log Cabin and someone dressed in Red. I said "Hey up Love, you are looking into a Snow Globe"
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Mick goes into the Y.E.P. office and says I would like to place this Advert. The Clerk looks at the note and reads it out," Man desperate for sexy female, serious relationship, Urgent" the Clerk O.K. I guess you would like to have it inserted today. Mick says "That would be wonderful but i think you are being a bit. optimistic .
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Pat promised his three children that he would take them to Seaworld as they had seen it on the T.V. and his Pal Mick saw them off to London on the train. A couple of weeks later Pat walked in the pub and Mick asked how did the Children enjoy the trip.Pat said Well between you and me when i saw how much it would have cost me i took them all to Billingsgate Fish Market and told them to be very quiet as they were all asleep.
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tilly
PostsCOLON 1688
JoinedCOLON Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Tue 07 Nov, 2017 3:06 pm

I went to the zoo the other week in one of the cages was a loaf of bread,the notice said bread in captivity.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.
volvojack
PostsCOLON 772
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Thu 09 Nov, 2017 1:14 pm

Last night i really had too much to drink so at the bottom of the stairs i removed my shoes and socks, jacket, trousers, shirt and vest. and crept up so as not to wake the wife and kids. It was only when i got to the top of the stairs i realised i was still on the Bus.
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Pat and Mick got very drunk and were staggering home and as they passed the Bus Depot Mick said Why don't we borrow one for a lift home. So Pat went inside and was gone for nearly an hour, Mick went inside and said to Pat Whats the problem when we have all these to pick from ?. Pat replied " I can't find our Number 14 that we usually get". Mick said You know Pat sometimes i think you are quite thick, we can take a Number 10 and walk from the Roundabout.

dogduke
PostsCOLON 1257
JoinedCOLON Thu 03 Jan, 2008 6:47 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby dogduke » Thu 09 Nov, 2017 2:53 pm

Whats the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is very heavy,the other is a little lighter.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo so I decided it was time for me to put my foot down
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

90% of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.


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tilly
PostsCOLON 1688
JoinedCOLON Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Thu 09 Nov, 2017 4:16 pm

I saw a man with one white sock and one black sock.There unusual i said he replied i have another pair just like them at home.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.
volvojack
PostsCOLON 772
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Fri 10 Nov, 2017 4:59 pm

Mick had been visiting his pal Pat and when it was time to go home Pat looked out of the window and said "There's a real storm out there, why don't you stay the night, there is football on the T.V. we can have a few beers and a Pizza plus you can sleep in the spare room". Mick agrees so Pat goes and gets a couple of Pizza's ready, when he returns from the kitchen Mick is stood there soaked to the skin. Pat asks "What happened to you, your half drowned" Mick says" Ah well I just nipped home for my Pyjamas.
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On a visit to Liverpool i found a parking spot outside a Mosque and never having been inside one i had a look and the IMAM invited me to sit with him. He placed his hands on my shoulders and said "Don't worry my son, you will walk normally again" I told him that i had no real problems walking except for a Bunion on my big toe. He seem to ignore me and once again placed both hands on my shoulders, closed his eyes and said some prayers. Then he said again, quite loudly "You will walk again, you will walk this very day" With that i got up and left........ He was right 'cos while i was in there some Bas....d stole my car.
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We had only been married a short while when my Wife suffered a near death experience.......She turned the T.V. off during a live Football Match..
Did you know that if you hold a fresh Mackerel to your ear you can clearly hear the Fishmonger in Morrison's telling you to put it down.
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tilly
PostsCOLON 1688
JoinedCOLON Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Fri 10 Nov, 2017 7:50 pm

A mongrel goes to crufts and gets talking to a poodle the mongrel says i will see you later.The mongrel comes back and asks how did you get on the poodle says i got best of breed also best in my class and i was highly recommended.The mongrel says i got a Alsatian and a spaniel and i was highly delighted.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.

dogduke
PostsCOLON 1257
JoinedCOLON Thu 03 Jan, 2008 6:47 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby dogduke » Fri 10 Nov, 2017 8:46 pm

Leeds market trader on Mastermind,specialist subject,

Anoraks 15.99 to 19.99
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

90% of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.


volvojack
PostsCOLON 772
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Sat 11 Nov, 2017 11:41 am

In a K.Mart Supermarket with the kids on holiday in Florida and at the checkout i asked the Clerk. "Could i have a couple of those Kinder Chocolate eggs please" He replied Sorry Sir we don't sell them anymore as the little plastic toys inside could be dangerous. I said "That's O.k. I'll just have these two A.K. 40 assault Rifles."
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