Joke of the Week

Off-topic discussions, musings and chat
warringtonrhino
Posts: 364
Joined: Sat 18 Feb, 2012 2:31 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby warringtonrhino » Fri 30 Aug, 2019 11:02 pm

Hotpoint again deny that their appliances can cause a serious fire :lol:
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tilly
Posts: 1950
Joined: Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Mon 02 Sep, 2019 7:35 pm

I was given a shroud the other day i said i would not be seen dead wearing that.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.
volvojack
Posts: 1256
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Mon 02 Sep, 2019 8:42 pm

I was just sent to jail but not expect to be raped by people i knew........ Its the last time i play Monopoly with them.
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Its very nice to be awakend with someone whispering in your ear "Come on darling it is time for some rough sex" the exception is if you are in prison
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buffaloskinner
Posts: 1293
Joined: Sun 01 Apr, 2007 6:02 pm
Location: Nova Scotia

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby buffaloskinner » Mon 02 Sep, 2019 10:20 pm

Jeremy Corbyn walks into a Bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier:"It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?"

Corbyn :"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Jeremy Corbyn, leader of the Labour Party.

Cashier:"Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Corbyn: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr Corbyn, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Corbyn, "Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."

Cashier: "Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."

"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"

Corbyn stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, Mr Corbyn. ?.... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Is this the end of the story ...or the beginning of a legend?

volvojack
Posts: 1256
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Wed 04 Sep, 2019 1:23 pm

if you are being chased by a police dog remember never to go through a tunnel, go through a burning hoop or a seesaw 'cos they are trained to do these things.
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someone dressed from head to foot in bandages walked into the bank of ireland and robbed them of a lot of money. the Irish police are looking for someone aged between 20 and 1.000 years old
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it is quiz night in the bally muckle pub and the final question is
"What was the name of the first women in the garden of eden Complete silence O.k. says the Quizmaster
Here's a further clue - she was attached to an apple.
Paddy put's hand up and says " would that be Granny Smith"

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Last edited by volvojack on Wed 04 Sep, 2019 7:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.
volvojack
Posts: 1256
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Wed 04 Sep, 2019 7:26 pm

I came home from work a lttle bit earlier than usual and found my best friend in bed with the wife. I was shocked and told her to pack her bags and leave. Then i told my best friend "Bad Dog , Sit"
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I have been happily married for 15 years but recently have had this problem, so i thought i would write to the "Daily Bugle" where they have a Aunt and Uncle agony column.This is what i wrote and their reply " I had taken the kids to school and as usual going tohave the morning shopping. suddenlythe car stopped and no matter what i tried it would not start. as i was about only half a mile from home and i knew my husband would be there i decided to walk the short distance home. Thank goodness his car was on the drive but when went upstairs i found
our two 15 year old baby sitters stripped naked one of them was straddled across my husband.
My problem is i just do not know where to strart or what to do.

The male half of the "Agony Column" says I think i will answer you best i can fhough it seems you have a multitude of problems.
Number! first and foremost check for sign of fuel blockage, next check battery leads are still fitted correctly and clean of dirt. then check manifold.
"Good Luck" and send us your problems anytime.
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buffaloskinner
Posts: 1293
Joined: Sun 01 Apr, 2007 6:02 pm
Location: Nova Scotia

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby buffaloskinner » Fri 06 Sep, 2019 9:54 pm

I am happy to announce that I am taking on a brave new adventure. To add to my measly pension I will be selling adult toys. I hope no one is embarrassed to order them. Discretion is guaranteed!!
I have all kinds, sizes and styles according to your needs. I have also tried a few different ones over the last couple years. So happy to discuss, just message me. Everything I have is listed below and more if needed...
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Wheelchairs, canes, walkers, scooters, knee, wrist & elbow braces, plantar fasciitis braces, blood circulating machine thing, crutches, shower chair, ice packs, heating pads etc etc.
Is this the end of the story ...or the beginning of a legend?
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tilly
Posts: 1950
Joined: Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Sat 07 Sep, 2019 4:51 pm

I am interested have you got pogo sticks with no springs.He He,
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.

volvojack
Posts: 1256
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Wed 11 Sep, 2019 3:31 pm

The Allied Forces had a competition to see who had the most vicious animal that could be used in warefare. Last but one in the arena was a slavering monster of an animal which was only held back by two handlers with chains.
The last entry was a tiny Yorkshire terier with a pink bow around its neck. The giant dog wa quickly swallowed up by the Terrier. The Russian keepers could not believe it and said "It took us five years to cross this Siberin wolf with a Russian Alsation and yet your tiny scrap of a thing has killed and eaten it within a minute. The Yorkshire lad said
"Thats 'cos we crossed our Puppy with a Crocodile
"
volvojack
Posts: 1256
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Wed 11 Sep, 2019 5:51 pm

A man was eating his breakfast in a roadside cafe when in walked three "Hells Angels" obvously looking for trouble. the first one spits in the mans dinner, the second stubs his cigarette in hi"s coffee and the third pulls his chair from under him leaving hin on the floor. The man just gets up and walks out. "Not much of a man is he" sneers one of the Bikers......"Not much of a driver either" says the waitress " He has just run over three motor bikes with his Truck"





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