Joke of the Week

Off-topic discussions, musings and chat
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buffaloskinner
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Re: Joke of the Week

Postby buffaloskinner » Fri 24 Nov, 2017 1:57 pm

Please wait for dirty fri-day to load ...........

:arrow:
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Is this the end of the story ...
or the beginning of a legend?
volvojack
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JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Fri 24 Nov, 2017 3:38 pm

Tescos have announced they are to create 2,000 Jobs in the U.k. over the next 12 months. The President of Poland had said Thanks Very Much.
..........................................
Paddy went into the Midland Bank and asked if he could open a Joint Account. The Manager said "Who would you like that with ?" Paddy replied With Richard Branson if possible.
...............................................................................
I brought the most beautiful Two year old Sheepdog home that had been abandoned nearby where i work. The Missus immediately stormed out into the Kitchen and said " You know I am allergic to Long haired animals"
So sadly I have to let her go... I put an Ad. in the Y.E.P. Good Home wanted, She is just under 50, very good Cook, Cleaning and ironing etc.
........................................................................................................
My Daughter came home and said she would like to bring her Maltese boy friend home for the first time. I asked what his name was and she said his first was "Cuorey" and his second was "Ossisity" I said Wow with a name like that just keep him away from the Cat.
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dogduke
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Re: Joke of the Week

Postby dogduke » Fri 24 Nov, 2017 5:22 pm

The attachment is not loading on my android phone or tablet
Stuck between the o and a of loading.
Anyone else having probs ?
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

90% of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.


volvojack
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JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Mon 04 Dec, 2017 8:24 pm

"Hello".... Hi Darling it's Daddy, can you call Mummy to the phone. " Daddy, she is upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Brian and i am not to disturb them" But Darling you don't have an Uncle Brian.... "Yes i do Daddy, you know the one who calls every Thursday afternoon brings me a bar of Chocolate and Mummy say's i am not to disturb them". Darling, i want you to do something for me and i will take you out to Town and buy you anything you like. I want you to go upstairs, knock loudly on the door and shout out that Daddy's car has just turned into the Drive, then come back to the phone and let me know what is happening. ...... "Ooh Daddy,Daddy, i did that and Mummy ran into the Bathroom, tripped over the mat and banged her head on the Bath and is laid face down not moving" What about Uncle Brian ? "Daddy i saw him, also naked climb onto the window ledge and jump down into the Swimming Pool, i guess he did not know that you drained it a few weeks ago, he is laid face down on the bottom".......... But Darling we do not have a Swimming Pool ?. Long Silence Errm Is that Leeds 01133 456123...... Click.

volvojack
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Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Wed 06 Dec, 2017 6:44 pm

Thing's that are difficult / Impossible to say when you have had a Skinful of Booze.

1.I know you are half my age but i don't wish to sleep with you.
2. Don't offer me anymore of that delicious Pizza.
3. No more Drink for me, Yes i know it's Free.
4. Oh No I just couldn't, Nobody want's to hear me Sing again.
5. Could you tell me where the nearest Toilet is Please ? I don't wish to Vomit in the Street.
6. Thank you but i won't make any attempt to get up and Dance, i have no co-ordination after drinking and would hate to make myself look a fool.
7. Good Evening Officer, Lovely Evening out, I'm not interested in Fighting you as you are on your own
8. I must be going home as i have Work in the Morning,
9. Whatever you say or offer Darling i will not spend the Night in that lovely Double Bed with you.
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tilly
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Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Wed 06 Dec, 2017 8:47 pm

Hi buffloskinner can i leave your Black Friday post i have been waiting on it since 24 of November and it has not loaded ye. He. He.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.
volvojack
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Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Thu 07 Dec, 2017 6:37 pm

A Couple of Irish Gags
Paddy was telling me "Whatever i do still no one likes me,E.G. I fed a Flock of Wild Geese all winter and in the Spring when they Flew off even they gave me the V. Sign
..................................................................................
Mick went to the Hospital to visit his sick Wife, suddenly the Machine started Beeping, He screamed for Help but no one came,In panic he began pressing all the Buttons but still it was the same, He then ran in panic shouting for help, A Surgeon ran back with him and also began pressing buttons and using both hands. Finally he said sadly "I am afraid there is nothing more i can do, Your Kit Kat Bar is jammed halfway in the Machine and you have lost your Money.
...............................................................................
Mick jnr. went for a job as a Trainee Blacksmith on Navan racecourse.
The Blacksmith asked have you any experience at Shoeing Horses ?
Young Mick thinks for a while and says "Well I did once tell a Donkey to F...o.f "
volvojack
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Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Thu 07 Dec, 2017 9:35 pm

Sometimes The Irish Bless 'em say some very funny things when being totally serious.

1. some years ago an Irish Lad i used to do business with told me that his Son and him were travelling along the M. 4. in Wales early evening when their Van developed some fault and they were going up towards Newport. They managed to pull into a Layby and Joe rang the Police. when he was asked where they were and told to look on the Emergency Telephone and give them the number. Joe did this returned and told them 5.0.5. a puzzled Operator asked them to check and when he confirmed this She said that's Impossible as the Number was Miles and Mes away.
It transpired that this was in fact SOS.

The Second I became aware of was in the Late 1980s. and i was working on Tewkesbury Market. This is a lovely place just off of the M.5 above Cheltenham, One of those Market Towns where everyone seemed to know each other. We were living in Bristol and my Wife bought some very heavy quality Material enough to make up Curtains and a Bedspread. the only problem was finding someone to make them up without spoiling them. It just happened that one of the Local women recommended one of my customers, an Irish Lady called Josie. She agreed to do the job, the following week i brought the Material and the measurements. there was something extra she wished to know so gave me her telephone number .
When i rang a voice answered Tewkesbury Police Station, i redialled and the same voice gave the same reply, I assumed there was fault on the line so waited until the following evening, rang again and got the same reply, ( Deep Irish voice ), as it was only a few days until i was up there in Tewkesbury. Saw Josie and remarked about it. She confirmed that her Husband ( who was a Sgt. and in charge ) could never seem to separate the two numbers from his mind.
There was a Happy ending as Little Josie made a fantastic job with our Material.

volvojack
PostsCOLON 810
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Fri 08 Dec, 2017 1:51 pm

A Miggy Lad went into Gregg's Bakery and as he saw the Horseforth Man in front of him nick three Sausage Rolls and put them in his pocket.he then pretended to be making up his mind as to what he wanted. When the Girl asked the Miggy Lad what he required he replied "Three Sausage Rolls" when she puts them on the Counter he says "Would you like to see a bit of Magic ?" He promptly eats them one by one and then says " I will now make the them reappear in that Mans Pocket"
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buffaloskinner
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Re: Joke of the Week

Postby buffaloskinner » Fri 08 Dec, 2017 9:55 pm

The transition of the Jokers

:!:
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Is this the end of the story ...
or the beginning of a legend?

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