Joke of the Week

[volvojack]

I always liked the Story (True or Not That ) when Doddy was investigated for Tax Evasion by the Inland Revenue.
The Hearing was held in a Liverpool Court in front of a Liverpool Jury with a Liverpool Judge presiding. He was found Not Guilty of all charges and awarded Damages which he then donated to a Liverpools Childrens Charity.

[warringtonrhino]

In 1989 one of the senior managers at Royal Mail was retiring and they wanted a 'this is your life' cartoon as a leaving present.
I was commissioned to produce it and was given lots of ideas which might be included. The manager was involved in the Ken Dodd court case. The defendants solicitor insisted that correspondence from HM inspector of Taxes was not delivered to Ken Dodd, blaming Royal Mail.
In the gutter of the roof on the right you can see where, for the purpose of the cartoon, the letters ended up.

[volvojack]

Ken Dodd gag.
I was at home in Knotty Ash when the phone rang. I picked it up and a voice said "Hi Ken This is Chris Tarrant here ITVs"Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" Ken We have David Beckham and his Wife Victoria and with your Help we can get them Up to a £100"

[tilly]

I have been thinking about my childhood, my mam told me me that when i was born they slapped the midwife.I was so ugly when i was
born i was the only baby on our street with shutters on my pram you had to be over eighteen to look at me.Like a lot of the kids in Hunslet i had to wear hand me downs i was the only boy in our class with a gingham dress and bottle green knickers if we were good my mam would take us has a treat to Leeds city station to watch people going on holiday. She was so poor she used to sell pegs to gypsies

[tilly]

I went to the market today called at the fish stall i asked have you got crabs he said no its just that my underpants are too tight.I said im finding it hard to buy cod balls he said thats because theres a shortage of male cod.Called at the butchers they were selling boneless chicken what i want to know is how do they stand up.

[volvojack]

Saw a sign in a little Dublin Shop "We Repair Anything" Please Knock on Door as Bell is out of Order
.........................................................................................................................+
Paddy was telling Mick how his Wife Reacted when he told her he had bought her a New belt with Matching Bag for her Birthday until he told her it would make her Vacuuem Cleaner last at least another year longer
............................................................................................................................
The Ventriloquist wa doing his act on the Dublin Empire Stage and was throwing in some gags about Pat and Mick
when suddenly a Giant Red Faced Man stod up and shouted " Hey You I have come here every night this week and all you do is take the P..s out of us Irish, how we walk, talk and the Stupid thing we do, well i am here to tell you that we are all like you make us out to be, Dumb and Stupid" The Vent. say I am so Sorry Sir if i have offended you or any of your Local Folks " The Giant Paddy says "You keep out of this, I am talking to that little Bugger on you Knee"

[volvojack]

It's the evening before Good Friday in Jerusalem and Jesus says to St. Peter "Ere i can't help but notice that these 5,000 People are all having Fried Fish and Bread and we only had Three Loaves of Bread up to now. St Peter says"I was wondering that myself Lord, I heard that Judas Iscariot has suddenly come into a nice few Quid does not want to talk about it"



















Fish

[tilly]

Jack have we missed Armageddon five posts at the moment four are yours one mine It was the other way round a few days ago.?Since i posted this its two me three you.

[volvojack]

Even my Sex life is rubbish, I rang one of those Chat lines and the girl answered "Not tonight, i have Earache"
.................................................................................................
A Gas Engineer was caught in Buckingham Palace having Sex with one of the Queens Dogs. It seems he is not to be Prosecuted as he is "Corgi Registered"
..................................................
A man goes into a Back Street Chemist and when the Female Assistant comes to the counter he asks if he can speak to a Male. She replies that she and her Sister own the Business so there is nothing to be be Shy about and do tell us your Problem, however embarrased you feel. In a side room he tells her that after having a trip abroad he has somehow got a permanent Erection. After she has a Quick look she asks him to return in a weeks time. When the man returns the following week and tells her that things are just the same She says "Well i have had a Long talk with my Sister and we think the Best thing we can do is to is to Offer you a full Third in the Business, plus £300 weekly Live in Allowance"
...................................................................

[tilly]

I went on a mystery tour last week even the bus driver did not know where we were going.